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| Posted by DayDreamer on 09-Aug-2005 | $10 is $10Stumpy and his wife Martha, went to the fair every year and every year Stumpy would say,
'Martha, I'd like to ride in that there aeroplane.'
And every year Martha would say,
'I know Stumpy, but that aeroplane ride costs $10, and $10 is $10.'
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said,
'Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.
Martha replied
'Stumpy that aeroplane costs $10 and $10 is $10
The pilot overheard them and said
'Folks. I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's $10.??™
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns' rolls and dives' but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy,
'By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't.'
Stumpy replied,
'Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out but $10 is $10.'
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| Posted by Chris Rinchik on 14-Aug-2005 | No Longer AngryAn award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being
smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger
who probably deserved to fly as cargo. During the final days at Denver's
old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it
has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."
The passenger was not impressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"
Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone.
"May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing
throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES
NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come
to the gate."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "Fuck you."
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have
to stand in line for that, too."
The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although
the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at
United.
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| Posted by Spanky4 on 14-Aug-2005 | Walking the dogI was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off,
there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked.
Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to
get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed
him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing
eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the
entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before
because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith,
we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like
to stretch his legs."
Picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet
standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with
the seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People
scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to
change airlines!
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| Posted by Amanda Ciaramella on 14-Aug-2005 | Fish & GameA young couple once rented a cabin near a lake for a vacation.
He liked to fish, and her favorite pastime was reading. One
morning, the husband rose early and took the boat out on the
lake. He returned around noon, and went to the cabin for a nap.
The wife looked at the little boat and thought it might be nice
to read her book on the water. Though she knew nothing about
boats, she managed to row into a nice, calm area of the lake and
settled down to read.
After a short time the Game Warden motored up in his boat and
asked her what she was doing. Although she thought it was
obvious, she responded, "I'm reading a book."
"You're in a restricted fishing area, I'll need to take you in
and write you up for this", he said.
Astounded, she argued, "But I'm not fishing. You saw me here,
reading my book!"
"But you have all the necessary equipment," he said, pointing
out the poles, nets, and bait her husband had left in the boat,
"so I'm going to cite you for fishing in a restricted area."
"Then I will press charges on you for rape", she said.
"Rape!? I haven't touched you!"
"No," she said, "but you have all the necessary equipment."
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| Posted by Mark on 14-Aug-2005 | Sunbathing, a true storyA rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her
vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the
first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up
there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun
when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said
the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from
running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof
but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did
yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No
one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not
exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining
room skylight."
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| Posted by Ruth Stewart on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun Things to Do on a Bus1. Swing from the metal railings on the ceiling, singing, "I'm a
monkey! Ooga Ooga!" If there are people with groceries, steal
their bananas.
2. When someone sits down next to you, take out your cell phone
and start saying ominous things like, "I found the bomb. It's on
this bus." or, "I'm surrounded. Send in the artillery."
3. Go up to one of the other passengers and say, "I know all
about what you've done. We've been tracking you for a long
time." See if you can get them to confess anything.
4. When someone sits next to you, strike up an argument with
yourself. Escalate the argument, and finally start punching
yourself in the head. See how long it takes them to leave.
5. Every 5 minutes scream "WE'RE GONNA CRASH! TAKE COVER!" and
hide under a seat. When the bus keeps going, peek out and
whisper, "It's magic!!"
6. Stand in the middle of the aisle, stare at the little lights
on the ceiling, and say, "I have seen the light, Obi-wan."
7. Keep looking at the bottom of your shoes and saying, "Ewwww,
gross."
8. Lift up the seat cushions and say, "How are you doing, little
guys?"
9. Save seats for imaginary friends.
10. Stand in the front of the bus and announce, "I am the knight
who says... NEE!!" Say "nee" to all the passengers and ask them
for shrubberies.
11. Go up to someone, poke them, say, "You're it!" and start
scurrying around.
12. When someone sits next to you, poke them repeatedly, saying,
"Poke!" loudly each time, and see what their reaction is.
13. When boarding the bus, ask the bus driver, "Can my pet tree
come too?"
14. Wear a backpack and whine, "But mommy, I don't WANNA go to
school!"
15. Eat invisible food, making obnoxious smacking noises. When
the bus driver says no food allowed, hold it behind your back
and whistle.
16. Ask everyone on the bus "Have you seen my (insert small
furry rodent/insect/huge dangerous animal)?"
(These also work on the train)
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