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| Posted by Beaver Munc on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Polite Ways to Say "Your Zipper is Down"
Top Ten List (David Letterman)
10. The cucumber has left the salad.
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his
bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson ... Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars ... but I can see something that rhymes
with Venus.
1. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products |
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| Posted by Abby J. Parker on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Truth-in-Advertising Names of Personal Care Products
15> Nair -- Pelt-Away
14> Old Spice -- Eau de Grandpa
13> Dr. Scholl's Corn Pads -- Beats BITING Them Off
12> Vaseline Intensive Care Lotion -- Sgt. Zipper's Lonely Hearts
Club "Hand" Cream
11> Trojan Condoms -- SkankSafe
10> Wart-B-Gone -- Put Down Those Goddam Toads!
9> FDS -- CrotchGuard
8> Preparation H -- SitAgin
7> Q-Tips -- Jam It In! We Dare Ya!
6> Nyquil -- Kid-Booze
5> Cover Girl Makeup - Covers Ugly Girls Makeup
4> Tampax -- Suck It Up, Missy!
3> Tom's of Maine -- Gee, Your Teeth Smell Like Pete Moss!
2> K-Y Jelly -- J-O Jelly
1> Chanel No. 5 -- Catbox No. 2
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Tiocfaidh ArLa on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Signs a Spaceship Is Homemade
16> Twenty percent more duct tape than Mir.
15> It's highly unlikely NASA would name its orbital lander the "USS PACKERS! Wooo! Go Packers!"
14> You currently owe Duracell $138,845,000.
13> Two words: cheese tailfins.
12> Take-off requires beans, a butane lighter and a well-timed finger pull.
11> Thrusters can be set to high, medium, low and simmer.
10> Doilies on the control board?
Potpourri in the cargo bay?
MOM!!!
9> The on-board meal: a lovingly packed PB&J cut in the shape of a rocket, a Juicy Juice box and a Twinkie that your jerk older brother smashed flat.
8> "Rocket sound" comes from playing cards stuck in the O-rings.
7> The chief engineer was forced to remove the nose cone of the lunar landing module to grill burgers for dinner.
6> Centrifugal force is measured in "Kenny Gs."
5> It just plain tastes better than those store-bought spaceships.
4> The only 'tang on board is the pilot's mistress.
3> The "heat shield"? A dozen oven mitts glued to a trash-can lid.
2> The top-secret mission? Launch a spy satellite over Jessica Simpson's shower.
1> Transmission from Apollo 13: "Houston, we have a problem."
Transmission from your ship: "Honey, I have a wedgie."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino |
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| Posted by Jase A. Bryant on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Features of Hooters Hotel and Casino
16> Family-oriented atmosphere. (Hefner, Flynt and Guccione families only)
15> Your odds at the tables are about the same as your odds with your waitress.
14> Dancers in the hotel's Risque Revue are more modestly clad than the croupiers.
13> Instead of black or red, roulette tables let you place bets on "real" or "fake."
12> Complimentary greasy hot wing on your pillow at night.
11> "Half-Off Night" -- when the cocktail waitresses all have wardrobe malfunctions.
10> A "Cooling-Off Room" featuring Linda Tripp reading poetry.
9> Slot machines galore, but nary a cherry to be found.
8> Commonly heard at *every* gaming table: "Hit me. Ohhhhh, yes, hit me!"
7> The bouncers are simply amazing.
6> Guy at the craps table yelling, "Seven! Come on, seven! Daddy needs a new pair of undershorts!"
5> Their slogan: "We've got the loosest sluts in town!"
4> Great laughs to be had watching stunned Harry Potter fans drawn in by the giant owl out front.
3> Now in the Hooters Theater: Cirque du Soleil's "Ho!"
2> Cries of "Snake-eyes!" have less to do with dice and more to do with tank tops and air conditioning.
1> Siegfried and Roy are no longer the biggest boobs in town.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Melinda s. Nowlin on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Surprises at a Nudist Restaurant
16> Let's just say that getting wasabi in your eye isn't the
worst thing that can happen.
15> Sizzling hot-plate dishes served with a side of aloe.
14> Who knew all the chefs at Benihana were Jewish?
13> Turns out silicone repels drawn butter, making lobster bibs
unnecessary.
12> Their claim for "Best Sticky Buns in Town" refers to their
vinyl seats.
11> Paris Hilton banned from entering. Hey, they've
got to maintain *some* standards.
10> The cook steadfastly refuses to budge from his "no bacon"
rule.
9> You'd be amazed how many straws and extra napkins a
waitress can tuck into a fat roll.
8> The waiters all wear thong hairnets.
7> Surprisingly,
it's easier to choke down snails when you've got boobs to look at.
6> "Waiter, there's soup in my hair!" frequently heard
throughout the evening.
5> When you take out your credit card to pay, the
cashier bends over and asks you to swipe it.
4> The napkin goes *under* your lap.
3> Waiters no longer have to take the soup back to the
kitchen in order to get their revenge.
2> Thanks to its extended "sneeze" guard, the salad
bar looks like the popemobile.
1> "I beg your pardon, sir -- I thought you were
signaling for the check."
[ The Top 5 List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2005 by Chris
White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional |
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| Posted by Eeyore on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 17 Indications Your Family May Be Dysfunctional
17> New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your
family.
16> Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
15> Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the
last beer.
14> In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
13> Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
12> Local police save money by making your house a precinct
substation.
11> Brother is writing nostalgic screenplay, "A Menendez Family
Christmas."
10> Your new little sister is named after a famous serial killer.
9> Holidays usually celebrated by sniffing glue and
kicking a toaster around the house.
8> Your son informs you he doesn't care to be your
cellmate anymore.
7> You have to buy separate Mother's Day cards for
each of Mom's personalities.
6> Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun
down."
5> You *finally* get your work published in a major
newspaper and your rat-bastard brother sics the Feds on you.
4> Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads
a passage from Penthouse Forum.
3> Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead
of roast turkey.
2> Didn't make today's Top 5 List? Dad holds
ya, Mom beats ya.
1> No more sunny breakfast nook now that kitchen is a
meth lab.
[ The Top 5
List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White ]
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