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():sport jokes (950): 10 Things in Golf that Sound Dirty |
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| Posted by FirePrincess on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 Things in Golf that Sound Dirty1. Look at the size of his putter
2. Oh shit my shafts all bent
3. You really whacked the hell outta that sucker
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk
5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
6. Lift your head and spread your legs
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be
desired
8. Just turn your back and drop it
9. Hold up... I've got to wash my balls
10. Damn, I missed the hole again
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| Posted by julij on 14-Aug-2005 | Learning GolfA man was trying to teach his wife how to play golf. While she
was playing, she did a horrible slice and the ball crashed into
a nearby house's window and also broke a vase.
"CRAP!" The womman said. They went over to pay for any damages,
and when they got there they saw a half-naked man wearing a
turban.
The strange man exclaimed that he was a genie and the vase they
broke freed him, and would give them two wishes and would keep
the last wish for himself.
They talked a while and asked for a mansion. The genie said,
"When you return you shall have a house so huge nothing could
come close in comparison to it." For the second wish, they asked
to both (sometime in their life) be in the PGA tour and win. The
genie repied, "You will not only win but will also hold an
outstanding new record."
Now this was a very horny genie, so for his third wish he wished
to fuck the man's wife. They thought it over and decided it was
fair, so the genie fucks her every way in the book.
Afterwards the woman asked the genie what it felt like trapped
in a vase all those years, and the genie replyed. "You still
believe in that genie shit?"
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| Posted by Russ on 14-Aug-2005 | Stranded on a Desert IslandThis guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten
years. One day, he see's a speck on the horizon. He thinks to
himself, "It's not a ship," the speck gets a little closer and
he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he
thinks. it's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this
gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She
approaches the guy and says, "How long has it been since you've
had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man! Is that
good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink
of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten Years!"
She reaches over and unzips her waterproof pocket on her right
sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long
swig and says, "Wow, that's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the
front of the wet suit and says to him, "And how long has it been
since you had some REAL fun?"
The man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got set of golf
clubs in there!"
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| Posted by roderick brown on 14-Aug-2005 | Baseball heavenTwo buddies Bob and Earl were two of the biggest baseball fans
in America. For their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter and they pored over every box
score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even
agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell
the other if there was baseball in heaven.
One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching
the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few
nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice
from beyond. "Bob is that you?" Earl asked.
"Of course it me," Bob replied.
"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there
baseball in heaven?"
"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do
you want to hear first?"
"Tell me the good news first."
"Well, the good news is that, yes, there is baseball in heaven,
Earl."
"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"
"You're pitching tomorrow night."
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| Posted by Scooby on 14-Aug-2005 | Diver Without Scuba GearsOne day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below
sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no
scuba gear on whatsoever. The diver went below another 10 feet,
but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15
more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard,
and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep
without equipment?"
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had
written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
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| Posted by Stoney R. Sims on 14-Aug-2005 | Bosnian QuarterbackAl Davis had finally put together the perfect Raiders team for '99. The
only thing he was missing was a good quarterback.
He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he
couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw the war zone in Bosnia. In the
background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian
soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into
a 15th story window 200 yards away... ka-boom! He threw another hand
grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards
away--ka-blooey! A car passes going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right
into the barely open window.
"I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed
passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of that year's SuperBowl,
and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to
call his mother. "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won
the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother," the young man pleads. "I just won
the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands
of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there
are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this
week your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in
tears, "...I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!"
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