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| Posted by Yvette C on 11-Aug-2005 | 12 Dayz of ChristmasDecember 14th
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
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December 15th
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
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December 16th
Dear John:
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Love Agnes
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December 17th
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
Affectionately, Agnes
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December 18th
Dearest John:
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
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December 19th
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
Cordially, Agnes
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December 20th
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely, Agnes
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December 21st
OK Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
Ag
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December 22nd
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
From Ag
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December 23rd
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sic-ing the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
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December 24th
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned "ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 234 of the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
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December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spredar, and Buggar)
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
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| Posted by C C on 11-Aug-2005 | 20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters:1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II) |
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| Posted by Peter B. Wilson on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Signs Santa's Elves Are Suffering From Career Burn-Out (Part II)
15> There's a two-month waiting list for Santa voodoo dolls at the North Pole employee gift shop.
14> All of this year's rocking horses are sporting a fifth "leg."
13> They punch out Santa's lights before he even gets to the second "ho."
12> Come Christmas morning, more than one unlucky tyke will be unwrapping a container of brown, smelly Play-Doh.
11> All the "Sorry!" games have been repackaged as "In Your Face, Loser!" games.
10> Rather than taking the time to master the latest technological advances, they simply pack every PlayStation 2 box with a Hustler and a jar of Vaseline.
9> Sewing a teddy bear is hard work. Catching a bear cub at the North Pole is easy. You do the math.
8> Rudolph, elated at finally being invited to join in some reindeer games, instead finds himself confronted by shotgun-toting elves.
7> Several of them were caught on video adding real urine to the "wet baby" dolls.
6> The See 'n Say little Allison received is teaching her that the duck says, "Santa blows," and the cow goes, "Get lost, kid."
5> Santa's elf-prepared road trip CD for Christmas Eve?
Nothin' but "It's a Small World."
4> Five of them pitched a new show to FOX: "Elf Eye for the Fat Guy."
3> Cigarette burns on Barbie's posterior.
2> The only reason they ride the Norelco shavers over the snow these days is to get to a liquor store.
1> This year the kids on the "naughty" list are receiving lumps of koala.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
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():holiday jokes (333): Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his... |
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():holiday jokes (333): TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T |
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