|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
():top list jokes (540): 16 Signs You Need to Find a New Support Group |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Nicholas Hock on 13-Aug-2005 | 16 Signs You Need to Find a New Support Group1> Group: Anorexics Anonymous. You: Big chubby guy with an affinity for cheesecake.
2> Only half an hour into the meeting, and the keg's already dry.
3> Counselor greets you with, "Well, if it isn't Princess Pathetic!"
4> Their idea of 12 Steps involves two six-packs.
5> Instead of Mars & Venus, leader suggests you get in touch with Uranus.
6> You're host of the upcoming pool party for your Incontinent Beer-Drinkers Support Group.
7> They've voted to change their name to "Cathie Haters Anonymous."
8> Your Heart Attack Recovery Group counselor hasn't moved in three weeks and is starting to smell a little gamey.
9> Four months and the Nymphomania Group still hasn't recruited a female member.
10> Their 12-step program: "Put your right foot in, take your right foot out, put your right foot in, then you shake it all about..."
11> "Parents Without Partners" survey: 18 members, 18 beards.
12> The washroom towels at your Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting all say, "Holiday Inn."
13> None of the other sex addicts really understand how tough it is to run the damn country.
14> "The 'Making Your Marriage Work' seminar is happy to introduce our guest speaker, Larry King."
15> The name: Promise Breakers
16> You start to wonder if other Overeaters Anonymous groups stop their meetings for triple-bacon-cheeseburger breaks.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by MrMatt on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs Your House May Be Haunted13> Well, *something's* controlling the little people inside that big box.
12> Plumbers can't find source of that blood leak.
11> Every morning your 14-year-old son wakes up in a pool of what appears to be ectoplasm.
10> There's red stuff oozing from the walls, and even though it *is* the old Heinz family mansion, you're still plenty freaked.
9> Note on fridge: "GET OUT!!! (and we're out of Dijon mustard)"
8> You live alone, yet when you sing in the shower you get back-up vocals in four-part harmony.
7> Jerry Garcia is always demanding the last slice of pizza.
6> Every night at midnight, your dog starts whining and licking your hand and-- wait a minute, YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG!
5> The toilet's talking in tongues.
4> Bloody body parts on floor spell "Get out!" And you're pretty sure that when you left them they spelled "Try and stop me!"
3> The trash takes itself to the curb every Thursday morning when it knows damn well that trash day is Wednesday.
2> The source of that squeaky noise? Squirrels in tinfoil hats.
1> The eyes in that creepy portrait follow you across the room, down the hall, through the garage door, into the car, and buckle themselves into the passenger seat.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():top list jokes (540): The Top 12 Least-Popular Circus Sideshow Attractions |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Darrick R. Adams on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Least-Popular Circus Sideshow Attractions
12> Retento, the World's Most Organized Man
11> The Amazing Horse-Headed Centaur
10> The Pointless and Frankly Downright Embarrassing Comedy Stylings of Carrot Top
9> The Sneezing Sword Swallower
8> Hillary, the Testicled Lady
7> Mighty Mike: Pugilist, Philosopher, Devourer of Ears
6> The Pungent, Not-Quite-Intelligible Sidewalk Orator
5> Scroto and Nad, Testicularly-Conjoined-Twin Trapeze Artists
4> The World's Tallest Midget!
3> Spasmini, the Epileptic Knife Thrower
2> Jacko, the Facially-Self-Mutilating Baby-Dangling Pedophile Billionaire Hermaphrodite of Pop
1> The Clinton-Swallowing Intern
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():top list jokes (540): The Top 17 Signs Your Travel Agent Has Misled You |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by L H. D on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 17 Signs Your Travel Agent Has Misled You
17> As you board the plane, you find the "Occupied" sign is up on your "private cabin."
16> Every time you get back from a sightseeing excursion, Mr. Blix demands to know if you found anything.
15> "Alabamastan" ain't really a country in Eastern Europe.
14> It turns out that Cawker City, Kansas, only has the world's *second* largest ball of twine!!!
13> Your "singles" cruise turns out to be a cargo ship full of Kraft American cheese slices.
12> On your descent into Auckland, you catch a glimpse of the Golden Gate Bridge.
11> You've driven halfway around New Zealand and have yet to see a single Hobbit.
10> Your Turkish tour guide says, "On your left you see my ping-pong table. Now I KISS YOU!!!"
9> Getting repeatedly screwed by the hotel isn't what you expected when you signed up for the "Malaysian Sex Tour."
8> Sun? Check.
Sand? Check.
Carrying an M16 while being shouted at by a drill sergeant? Uh-oh.
7> You asked for a room with a view in Manhattan. You got a peep-show booth in Times Square.
6> The "Transylvania" tour is nothing but a visit to a Polish union town in Ohio led by a couple of Goth chicks.
5> You're amazed at the number of Australians who know how to yodel.
4> "Afghani-Disney" appears to be nothing but two guys and a real mouse.
3> Hey, isn't that Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio on the Lido deck?
2> Snow White looks real enough, but you don't remember the Elephant Man's remains being part of Disneyland.
1> Your "around the world" cruise involves his tongue.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
