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| Posted by *DevilGrl* on 14-Aug-2005 | 13 Things To Do At Walmart1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts
when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
"I think we have a code 3 in houseware," and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why won't you people leave me alone."
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
'Mission Impossible.'
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through
whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the
fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
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| Posted by Happy Hippy Hamster on 14-Aug-2005 | Porsche 911 Twin Turbo and MopedA very self-important young man goes out and buys what he
believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It
is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.
That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so,
stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about
90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the
sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya'
got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me
$100,000."
"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost
so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the
young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10
seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a
dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He
slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?"
the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot
coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the
opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on
the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a
Porsche 911 Turbo?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM!
It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It
is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting
for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt
bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from
your side mirror, please."
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| Posted by Rachel S. Weissman on 14-Aug-2005 | The PresentOn the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for
their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and
said, "I bet I know what it is--it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" Shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.
She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is--it's a box of
candy!"
"That's right!" Shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it
up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and
tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked.
"No," the boy answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She
asked.
"No," the boy answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
The boy replied, "A puppy!"
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| Posted by Smiley Gal on 14-Aug-2005 | Drivers Liscence TestThe following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by
the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read
Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the
same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying,
'Guns don't kill people. I do.'
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving.
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive
lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a
flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
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| Posted by Hugo Limberskin on 14-Aug-2005 | My RadioThe following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a
junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to
the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon
for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind. Read
it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you
with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent
senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the
county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to
know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness
to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never
let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into
a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if
she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
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| Posted by cutybug on 14-Aug-2005 | The Fig LeafA male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The
place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As
the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I
please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should." "Why not?" the
pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!" "Well, I don't think you
should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there and she's only covered
by a fig leaf!" "Nonsense," said the pastor. "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs
and he proceeded to the restroom. After a few minutes, he came back out
and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to
the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the
place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely
quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink
too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on
the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
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