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| Posted by Kino Makoto on 09-Aug-2005 | 14 pints of GuinnessA bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.
'I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,' he replies.
'You dirty bastard!' shouts the barmaid, 'Get out before I get my husband.'
The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.
The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.
'I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off,' he replies.
'What???' screams the barmaid, 'That's it! You're barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.'
Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.
'Right. I'll give you one last chance,' says the barmaid. 'Now, what do you want?'
'I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.'
The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.
'What's up, love?' says the husband.
'There's this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,' she says in a flood of tears.
'What? He's a dead man,' shouts the husband getting out of his chair.
'Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off,' screams the wife.
'Right, he's going to need a body bag, the bastard,' shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.
'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me,' she concludes.
When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.
'Aren't you going to do something?' shouts the wife in hysterics.
'Listen love, I'm not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness...'
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| Posted by Nol T. Johnson on 09-Aug-2005 | Poor farmerA farmer is sitting in the village pub getting pissed. A man comes in and asks the farmer,
'Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So what happened that is so horrible?'
Farmer: 'Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over'
Man: 'That's not so bad, what's the big deal?'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain. '
Man: 'So then what happened?'
Farmer: 'I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over. '
Man: ???Again? So what did you do then?'
Farmer: 'I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. '
Man: ???And then what.'
Farmer: 'I sat back down and continued to milk her and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.'
Man: 'Wow, you must have been pretty upset.'
Farmer: 'Some things you just can't explain.'
Man: 'So then what did you do?'
Farmer: 'Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.'
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| Posted by Adam Terry on 09-Aug-2005 | 12-inch pianistThere is this guy who walks into a bar and notices a man 12 inches tall playing the piano. He asks what it is all about and the barman tells him he'll tell him later.
So he asks the barman for a drink and the barman says,
'Before you get your drink you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make a wish.'
'OK,' says the guy.
He goes to the bottle and rubs it and, boom, out comes a genie, who says,
'You have one wish.'
The man thinks about it and then wishes for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke fills the room and when the smoke clears there are a million ducks crowding the bar.
He tells the barman,
'Hey, I didn't want a million ducks.'
The barman replies, 'You think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?'
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| Posted by dickster on 09-Aug-2005 | Cooking Turkey20 Easy Steps to Cook a Turkey
1. Go and buy a turkey.
2. Take a drink of whisky (scotch or bourbon).
3. Put turkey in the oven.
4. Take another two drinks of whisky.
5. Set the degree at 180 ovens.
6. Take three more whiskies of drink.
7. Turn oven the on.
8. Take four whisks of drinky.
9. Turk the bastey.
10. Whisky another bottle of get.
11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.
12. Glass yourself a pour of whisky.
13. Bake the whisky for four hours.
14. Take the oven out of the turkey.
15. Take the oven out of the turkey.
16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.
17. Turk the carvey.
18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.
19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.
20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.
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| Posted by Some One on 09-Aug-2005 | Drinking TruthThe following is an actual excerpt from Forbes magazine:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.
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| Posted by Asheesh Joshi on 09-Aug-2005 | Left it at the pubA man's been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, `So you've been out drinking again!'
'What makes you say that?' he asks, putting on an innocent look
His wife said, 'The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.'
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