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15 excuses when caught sleeping at work

1 Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot

2 This is just a 15 minute power nap like they faved about in that time management course you sent me to

3 I was working smarter --- not harder

4 Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper

5 Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm

6 This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people

7 I was testing the keybord for droo;-resistance

8 It worked for Reagan, didn't it?

9 Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just wont wear off

10 I'm actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learnt at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend

11 This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dremt abuot work

12 I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

13 Hey! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem

14 They told me at the blood bank this might happen

15 I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day

3 people have rated this joke:

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 15 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Stock Broker

Posted by Jena M. Graham on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 15 Things You Don't Want to Hear From Your Stock Broker

15> "...and the best part about this Internet company you've invested in is that their list is *actually* 15 items -- that's like a 33% discount!"

14> "Allow me to illustrate: Suppose this ceramic coffee mug here represent your high tech portfolio and this cast iron paperweight the current economic trends..."

13> "No, I don't mean it's time to sell eBay, I mean it's time to sell everything you own *on* eBay."

12> "Oops, I had these charts upside down!"

11> "Can I call you right back? I've got my bankruptcy attorney holding on the other line."

10> "I know you said to buy Wal-Mart, but that little sock puppet doggie was just *so* cute..."

9> "I always forget... is 'bull' the good one or the bad one?"

8> "Enough about stocks. Do you know how much money you can make in black market kidney sales?"

7> "I don't understand -- this plan worked beautifully when they did it on 'The Sopranos.'"

6> "Please don't hang up -- I'm only allowed one call..."

5> "First, the good news: you won't have any problems with capital gains taxes this year..."

4> "I recommend rolling your last $100 into a blanket, a shopping cart and a case of Night Train."

3> "Your position in the market? Bent over, grabbing your ankles."

2> "I can't talk long -- I'm on my cell phone and the pavement is coming up *really* fast now..."

1> "So then I said, 'What the hell is a margin call?'"

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

1 people have rated this joke:

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	():top list jokes (540): Condom Slogans

Posted by George Washington on 13-Aug-2005

Condom Slogans

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.

Cambells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

The Carl's Jr. Condom: If it doesn't get all over the place, it doesn't belong in your face...

General Electric: We bring good things to life!

AT&T condom: 'Reach out and touch someone.'

Bounty: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft: where do you want to go today?

Energizer: It keeps going and going and going....

M&M condom: 'It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!'

Chevron: use them? people do.

Taco Bell: get some; make a run for the border

MCI: for friends and family

Double Mint: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta's ready when you are

United Airlines travel pack: Fly United

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before

Wendy Condoms: Where's the beef?

Denny's Condoms: $1.99 Grand Slam

Mazda Condom: It Just Feels Right!

Maxwell House: Good to the last drop!

McDonalds condom: Over 99 billion served

Hewlett Packard condoms: Expanding Possibilities

Burger King: Have it your way

Dairy Queen: We treat you right

AOL: So easy to use, no wonder it's #1

3 people have rated this joke:

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	():top list jokes (540): Naughty legal phrases

Posted by _Clio_ on 08-Aug-2005

Naughty legal phrases

Top Ten Legal Phrases That Sound Dirtier Than They Really Are:

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could. And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

1. Think you can get me off?

9 people have rated this joke:

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Rejected McDonald's Slogans

Posted by Rachael Barbutes on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 16 Rejected McDonald's Slogans

16> Tastes Just Like Real Food!

15> We Love to See You Waddle

14> Screw Jenny Craig

13> We Are Legally Obliged to Tell You That Grimace Is a Convicted Sex Offender

12> America, Your Weight Is Over!

11> Same Crap, Same Prices -- Just Keep Buyin' It, Tubby

10> Two All-Beef Patties, Special Sauce, Lettuce, Cheese, Pickles, Onions, Britney's an Insatiable Screaming Nymphomaniac Who Barks Uncontrollably When She Gets It Doggy Style

9> Open Wide, You Lemmings

8> Wipe Your Chins, McLardbutt

7> Go Ahead and Sue Us, Tubby -- Your Bad Eating Habits Put Seven of Ray Kroc's 19 Grandkids Through Law School at Harvard

6> Spill a Coffee and WIN!

5> Relax, PETA -- That Ain't Really Chicken

4> Super-Sizing Americans Since 1954

3> You Don't Want to Waste Away Like That Subway Guy, Do You?

2> You Deserve a Wake Today

1> I'm Shovelin' It

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

18 people have rated this joke:

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	():top list jokes (540): Ten reasons not to chew gum in class

Posted by hello there on 13-Aug-2005

Ten reasons not to chew gum in class

Apparently a real list posted by a teacher.

10.You'll get a false sense of security that you have more spit than the instructor.
9. You might choke on it.
8. The instructor doesn't know the difference between CPR and the Heimlich Maneuver. He'll use CPR to ???cop a feel.'
7. It'll lose it's flavour before the class ends.
6. Bubbles are distracting.
5. Everyone will want some.
4. There are no places to put it when it becomes stale.
3. Blowing bubbles are distracting to the instructor.
2. Everyone will complain that you're not popping your gum in time to the music.
1. The instructor will make you stick it on the end of your nose and stand in front of the class.

2 people have rated this joke:

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