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| Posted by Johnny F. Gleason on 14-Aug-2005 | 15 Fun Things to do in Public Areas(I actually did all of these)
1. Go up to random people and ask "How are you doing?" See what
kind of conversation you can start.
(I met lots of new people this way)
2. Ask someone what another person's name is nearby. Go up to
that person and say "Hey, *person's name*. How are you? You
forgot my name, didn't you!?"
(People normally look at me very confused with this one.)
3. Fall down in front of strangers, and see if they try to help.
(If they don't help, I yell out, "FINE! DON'T HELP ME THEN!")
4. Bump into someone and pretend it causes you to fall down.
See if they apologize.
(This is hard to do, because they normally try to avoid me when
I try to bump them.)
5. Walk behind someone until he/she turns around. Then say,
"What?"
(You should look very confused, so it makes them be confused
also.)
6. Run around and jump on things and make noises pretending to
be a monkey.
(It works with any animal.)
7. Put water in your mouth, and pretend you are barfing when
someone walks by.
(It's really funny when you chew up some Snickers for this.)
8. Get an "Obsession, for men" cologne sample spray, and go up
to people asking, "Do you have an obsession for men? I was
just wondering because I have an obsession for me. It's in my
pants. Do you want me to spray you with it?" When they look at
you funny, take out the cologne and say "What? It's just my
obsession for men cologne. What were you thinking of?"
(It doesn't work on the people that have the cologne.)
9. Walk behind someone and have an arguement with yourself.
(It's even better if you talk in two different voices.)
10. Have a bottle of water and go up to people saying, "Thirsty?"
(I got a total of 5 people to drink from my bottle.)
11. Have a newspaper or a book(or something like that) and hold
it out to someone and ask, "Thirsty?"
(Confusion is funny.)
12. Put a chunk of something sticky on your hand, and go up to
people saying, "Eh, how're you doing?" and try to shake their
hand.
(Some people actually don't notice huge sticky brown things
sticking to your hand.)
13. Jump kick a wall and look at someone and say, "Please don't
do that."
(It works with trees too.)
14. Go up to someone and say in a very low voice, "Death by
catapult."
(There is also, death by spatula, death by rug burn, death by
malapropism, or any other weird random way of death.)
15. Get people to join you in your strange adventures.
(Twice the people = twice the fun.)
Be careful about the people you do these things to. Have fun.
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| Posted by ANGEL D. HUDSON on 14-Aug-2005 | HoroscopesAquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the
back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by
playing Whack-A-Mole 17 hours a day.
Pieces
They to avoid any Virgo's or Leo's with the Ebola virus. You
are the true "Lord of the Dance" no matter what those idiots at
work say.
Aires
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that 40
pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an
albino dwarf and give a hickey to Meryl Streep.
Taurus
You will never find true happiness. What're you gonna do? Cry
about it? The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch
of stuff, and then go back to sleep.
Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive
flatulence. Your love life will run into trouble when your
fiancee hurls a javelin through your chest.
Cancer
The position of Jupiter says that you should spend the rest of
the week face down in the mud. Try not to shove a roll of duct
tape up your nose while taking your driving test.
Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to
your boss' face. Eat a bucket of tuna flavored Jell-O, and wash
it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik.
Virgo
All Virgo's are extremely friendly and intelligent- except for
you. Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your
head impaled upon a stick.
Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more
talented than you. Laughter is the very best medicine. Remember
that when your appendix bursts next week.
Scorpio
Be ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an
open window. Work a little bit harder on improving your low
self-esteem, you stupid freak.
Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.
Take down all those naked pictures of fat old women you've got
hanging in your den.
Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person,but
you know they're lying. If I were you, I'd lock my doors and
windows and never ever,ever, ever, ever leave my house again.
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| Posted by geoff bauer on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Four Wacky Warning Lables1. On a set of shin pads: pads do not protect areas they don't
cover. (Obviously)
2. On a public toilet: Recycled flush water is unsafe to drink.
(Now, that's just nasty)
3. On an electrical router: this product not intended for a
dental drill. (I think my dentist has one of those)
4. On a novelty rock set called popcorn rock: eating rocks may
cause loss of or chipped teeth. (This one is self explanatory)
[IDIOTS]
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| Posted by Me on 14-Aug-2005 | Genuine letters sent to LandlordsThe following are genuine letters sent to landlords...
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until
it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the
man next door.
3. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and
burnt my knob off.
4. The toilet seat is cracked: where do i stand
5. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from
the wall.
6. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and
would like a third, so will you please send someone to do
something about it.
7. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
8. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three
pieces.
9. The person next door has a large erection in his back garden,
which is unsightly and dangerous.
10. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk.
Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
11. Will you please send someone to look at my water, it is a
funny colour and not fit to drink.
12. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's
new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to
finish the job and keep my wife happy.
13. Will you please send someone to mend my downspout. i am an
old age pensioner and need it straight away.
14. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap. My wife
got her toe stuck in it and its very uncomfortable for us.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every
morning at 5:30 his cock wakes me up, and it is getting too much.
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| Posted by churchboybrian on 14-Aug-2005 | Have in CommonWhat do lawyers, McDonalds hamburgers, election promises, and a
Johnny-on-the-Spot have in common?
They're all loaded with shit.
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| Posted by The Rat on 07-Aug-2005 | The first 90% of the job takes 90% of the...The first 90% of the job takes 90% of the time.
The last 10% takes the other 90%.
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