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| Posted by Andrew Strain on 12-Aug-2005 | 15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...
Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
Toe tag paper cuts.
The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"
and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...
Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.
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| Posted by Ali Walker on 12-Aug-2005 | The workers prayer!For those of you who may need it...A Prayer for the Stressed!
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the behind that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me to always give 100% at work....
12% on Monday
23% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
5% on Fridays
And help me to remember ...
When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my arm and smack the jerk on the head!
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| Posted by L H. D on 12-Aug-2005 | You know you are a teacher if...You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
You believe chocolate is a food group.
You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.
When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
You have no life between August to June.
When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"
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| Posted by Warlock Z on 09-Aug-2005 | The homework scheduleHere is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.
15 minutes looking for assignment.
11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.
23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.
8 minutes in the bathroom.
10 minutes getting a snack.
7 minutes checking the TV Guide.
6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.
10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.
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| Posted by Paddy O. Furniture on 11-Aug-2005 | The Professor's NeedsA female student shows up during a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door and kneels at his feet, pleading...
"I would do anything to pass the exam".
She leans closer to him, flipping back her hair, gazing meaningfully into his eyes and sensuously whispers "I mean..., I would do.... anything!!!".
He returns her gaze. "Anything???"
"Oh yes" she said, "anything!"
He stared into her eyes, and in a whisper said "Would you..... Study?"
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