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| Posted by Michael Jackson jokes on 13-Aug-2005 | 16 Steps to Build a Campfire1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.
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| Posted by Tim B on 13-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do in an Elevator1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles. 44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
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| Posted by Brad C. Hubele on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Rejected Game Show Ideas14> The Bong Show
13> Whose Pants Are These, Anyway?
12> Iron Fry Cook
11> Dating Game v6.05 -- Techies attempt to impress dates by answering unsolved help desk questions.
10> "Who" or "Whom"?
9> To Tell the Precisely Defined, Legally Defensible, Lawyer-Approved, Carefully Chosen Truth
8> Bowling for Gum
7> Kathie Lee Gifford's "Who Wants To Make 50 Cents An Hour?"
6> Leper-dy!
5> Wheel of Fortran
4> First Family Feud
3> Who Wants To Be A Prison Bitch?
2> Let's Bake A Veal
1> Win Ben Stein's Undies
[ The Top 5 List ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Sarah Rebeca on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 9 Signs Your Roommate Is A Cannibal9> You often wake up to find your hand in a pot of warm water -- with potatoes and carrots.
8> Always clipping those "Flabby White Guy Helper" coupons.
7> All the empty McDonner's containers he leaves around the apartment.
6> Maybe he said "head of lettuce" when you asked about what was wrapped up the refrigerator, but it sure sounded like "head of Cleatus."
5> Every day, the same routine -- he comes home from med school and lets loose a big, loud, formaldehyde-smelling burp.
4> Nervously changes the channel whenever "Cannibals Caught on Tape" comes on.
3> The tubby kid from across the hall is missing; she's trying to decide which windows to click down on her Richard Simmons Food Planner.
2> Well, *you* sure didn't buy that box of BitchQuick in the cupboard.
1> When you ask what he wants on the pizza, he always says, "Ask if they have buttocks."
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List ]
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| Posted by *DevilGrl* on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Real Statistics That We Made Up16> Number of dentists not intimidated by the powerful Trident lobbying committee: 1 out of 5
15> Recommended average inflation pressure for TopFive contributor dates: 100 PSI
Average ACTUAL inflation pressure for TopFive contributor dates: 150 PSI
14> Percentage of "very special episodes" on "Blossom": 82%
13> Number of votes by which George W. Bush carried Florida:
862 +/- 9301
12> Amount of time it takes the average office worker to ALT+TAB from HoochieWorld.com to an Excel spreadsheet: .052 seconds
11> Ratio of Cheney arterial blockage to Bush synaptic blockage: 1 to 1
10> Chances that Suzi, newly added to your ICQ list, is actually female: 62%
9> Lifespan of a $45 bouquet of anniversary roses: Two FRIGGIN' days
8> Probability of the new U.S. President doing his Tom Cruise dancing in his Jockies in "Risky Business" impersonation in the Oval Office before 2004: One-hundred-percentiary, dude!
7> Probability that anything will happen when you walk into a room and flick the wall switch:
98% (nationwide)
46% (California)
6> The amount of time Anna Nicole Smith has used up so far: 14 minutes, 59.7 seconds
5> Most frequent odors encountered when meeting Jesse Helms: Tobacco, Brut, Brimstone, Ham
4> Percentage of Americans who have difficulty grasping mathematical concepts: Purple
3> Exact number of dots on the office ceiling at my lousy-ass, dead-end job: 36,783
2> Odds of making the top 5 list without first introducing Chris White to some crisp Franklins: 1 in 104,376
1> Number of Supreme Court justices it takes to screw in a dim bulb: 5
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We'd Like to Hear |
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| Posted by john mcgilvray on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Oscar Acceptance Speeches We'd Like to Hear13> "I can really feel the love tonight -- apart from the venomous glares of the losers, that is."
12> "I'd like to thank my parents, for the deep psychological scars they inflicted which led me to seek out a career where I can get the empty, whore-like attention I so crave."
11> "Dude, was I in that movie? Man, maybe I really should be in rehab."
10> "And I'd like to thank the Church of Scientology, without whom I would have enough money that I wouldn't have had to make this movie in the first place."
9> "I'd like to thank Palm Beach County for designing this year's ballot..."
8> "I'd like to thank the Academy for this award -- but since I had to sleep with the guy from Price-Waterhouse..."
7> "I'm sure I'll appreciate the irony of this achievement three years from now, when I'm stuck doing 'Hollywood Squares' to pay the rent."
6> "And in closing, I'd like to invite Roger Ebert to bite me..."
5> "...and to my wife who stuck by me all these years: Sorry, Babe, but Oscar means a supermodel upgrade."
4> "Achieving this kind of success as an actor is a struggle. That's why I'd like you all to consider how much extra money you could be making as an Amway distributor..."
3> "...and most of all, this means no more blowing directors to get the good roles."
2> "I'd like to thank my boyfriend, Benjamin Brat for all his support, the director, Steven Soderbergh, for including me in this great project, and of course, Mephistopheles, Lord of the Hoary Netherworld, for my entire career."
1> "I accept this award not just for me, but for *all* the dudes out there who occasionally lose their cars."
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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