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| Posted by Jason Cox on 13-Aug-2005 | $20 million jackpotA Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Redneck says, ''I want my $20 million.'' The man replied, ''No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years.''
The Redneck said, ''Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it.'' Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, ''Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!''
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| Posted by Joe Brey on 13-Aug-2005 | Old onewhats long brown and sticky?
a stick!
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():nerd jokes (650): Following directions for the mentally handicapped |
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| Posted by Betsy on 13-Aug-2005 | Following directions for the mentally handicappedAn institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch.
When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, ''Up, nuts!'' and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, ''Down, nuts!'' and the inmates sat.
The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, ''Clap, nuts!'' and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer.
But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded, ''What happened?'' ''Everything was fine,'' the assistant said, ''until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!''
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| Posted by Lauren Adamowsky C. Adamowsky on 13-Aug-2005 | Billy-Bob and Mary LouBilly-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. ''Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?''
''Well Sheriff,it's a long story.''
''I ain't going nowhere,'' said the Sheriff.
''Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did. He continued, ''We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town!' And, here I am Sheriff!''
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