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| Posted by Tyler R. Dumas on 09-Aug-2005 | $20 to clean suitTwo guys are sitting in a bar getting pretty loaded. Suddenly, one of them blows lunch all over himself.
"Aw man, my wife is going to kill me when she sees this," he says. His buddy replies, "Don't worry about it. That happened to me before. Here's what you do. Put a $20 bill in your pants pocket. When you get home, tell your wife that some drunk threw up on you and he gave you the twenty to pay for the cleaning, OK?"
"All right, I'll try it." So he goes home and his wife immediately starts bitching about his suit. "Now look what you've done to yourself!!"
"No, no, honey," he slurs back. "Some drunk guy puked on me, but he gave me this twenty bucks to get my suit cleaned." With that he reaches into his pocket and throws the money on the table.
His wife looks at it and says, "I thought that you said he only gave you one $20. How come there are two here?" The man slurs back,
"He shit in my pants, too."
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| Posted by S J on 09-Aug-2005 | Guys take man homeTwo guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see someone fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy's too drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him home.
So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy's feet are dragging on the ground.
They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again, but nope, he falls flat on his face.
They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him to his apartment, and knock on his door.
The guy's wife answers and says "Oh, thanks for bringing my husband back. Where's his wheelchair?"
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| Posted by Niko Tsocanos on 09-Aug-2005 | Women pleasing dogA man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses.
The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing.
'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts at the dog, 'Ok, I'll show you how to do this one last time'.
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| Posted by Yo Momma on 09-Aug-2005 | Pirates in barSo, there are these two pirates talking in this bar. One's got a wooden leg and a hook and even a patch too. The other one's just got the pirate clothes. So the second pirate says to the first, "how'd ya get that wooden leg mate?".
The first reply??™s "arrr, it done got bit off bye a varmint shark."
The second pirate is of course impressed, "aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen. How'd ya get dat metal 'hook?"
The first reply??™s "lost err in a sword fight, bastard cut off me bloody hand!".
"Aye, dat's really a pirate ting to have happen" says the second pirate, again impressed.
"How'd ya get dat patch on your eye?".
"Well I was up in the crow's nest eh, and I looked up to spy this seagull" says the pirate's pirate, "and the damn ting shit right in me eye". In disbelief the second pirate says
"Well, how'd dat make ya blind?"
The first pirate replied: "Arr...first day wit me 'ook."
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| Posted by Life on 09-Aug-2005 | Black man, white...A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and...soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. He notices that the one in the middle has a white cock. He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another brewsky and mentions to the bartender, "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!
The bartender says, pointing, "You mean those three guys at that table over there?"
"Yes", the man says, "They're the ones."
"Well," replies the bartender, "those guys aren't black. They're coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch."
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| Posted by Jack Rabbitson on 09-Aug-2005 | Whats in a drink?Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky tastes; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... this should be an
easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated
image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.
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