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| Posted by Wei Gu on 13-Aug-2005 | 20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate20 Ways to Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate
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1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'
2. Say, 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that.'
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, 'Damn, this water's cold.'
5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shit! My glass eye!'
6. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, 'Now how did that get there?'
9. Say, 'Humus. Reminds me of humus.'
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!'
11. Say, 'Interesting... more floaters than sinkers.'
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?'
13. Say, 'C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me.'
14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about.
Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
15. Say, 'Boy, that sure looks like a maggot.'
16. Say, 'Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?'
17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your 'Cross-Dressers Anonymous' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, 'Peek-a-boo!'
20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing 'Born Free'.
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| Posted by Tyson Taylor on 08-Aug-2005 | 100 ways to annoy the pizza guy100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
And finally, if any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, use this gem...
100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."
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| Posted by Eddie Hojeij on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun Things to do in a Mall1.Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2.Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3.Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
4.Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5.At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6.Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7.Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8.Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
9....but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're "astronaut food".
10.Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11.Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12.Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13.Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
14.Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15.Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16.Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17.If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
18.Sprint up the down escalator.
19.Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
20.Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21.Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22.Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23.At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them.
24.Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25.Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26.Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27.Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store,insisting that you lost a contact lens.
28.Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
29.In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I see France..."
30.Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31.Play the tuba for change.
32.Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
33.Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34.Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give you a really wicked buzz".
35.Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap made out of straw".
36."Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37.Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38.Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
39.Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing "Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40.Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one flattop!"
41.Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
42."Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
43.Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44.Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real.
45.If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46.Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say "Domino's."
47.Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
48.At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49.Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man."
50.Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Liabilities of Having Leonardo DiCaprio's Looks |
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| Posted by CH_2005 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 14 Liabilities of Having Leonardo DiCaprio's Looks14> All those people who expect you to look good AND contribute to society in some way.
13> If you try to start a fight, women giggle and say, "He's sooooo cute!", while men merely giggle and kick your ass.
12> You look in the mirror and all that money doesn't matter -- you just wish you had a chest.
11> You're forced to sit at a card table with that kid from "Jerry McGuire" at the Oscar party.
10> Nearly impossible for the people at your campaign rally to concentrate on your flat tax plan.
9> You're constantly being mistaken for one of the Hansons.
8> Having to get all those restraining orders against Michael Jackson.
7> Sure it's great being prettier than Clare Danes, but you'd trade that in a second for her larger penis.
6> Your chances of a wet, sloppy kiss from a drunken James Cameron have never been higher.
5> While you like your sex partners to be vocal, screaming "I'm having sex with Leonardo DiCaprio!" isn't what you had in mind.
4> Though it was fun at first, all this "pretty boy" shit is really starting to creep you out.
3> Women constantly slipping scented silk panties into your lunch sack, making your veggies taste like "Obsession."
2> Bob DeNiro keeps slapping the back of your head, saying, "Grow up already!"
1> People are so stunned by your mesmerizing facial features that they overlook the incredible God-given beauty of your ass.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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| Posted by Eric J. Herboso on 08-Aug-2005 | Top 10 dumb blonde inventions1) The waterproof towel
2) Solar powered torch
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Waterproof tea bag
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| Posted by JOHN BALTUSKONIS on 13-Aug-2005 | Fun Things to Do in a Hardware Store - Unroll the 100 metre tape measure to "make sure it's all there". Ask other shoppers to hold bits down "Just there, no there by that mark in the floor" as you go along. See how many shoppers you can get helping you on the way.
- Unroll a 50 metre roll of duct tape check whether it really is 50 metre. Then find you can't roll it all back because it's stuck on the floor. When a member of staff asks what you are doing tell them you've covered up a large crack in their floor and they "really ought to take more care of their building".
- Ask for the bits from the middle of your washers so that you can use them for Tiddlywinks.
- Take your cat into the Pet Department and put him into different baskets. Call him "Timmy" and ask which he prefers. Then start arguing with him and say that the ones he prefers is too expensive. Ask passers-by if they have the same problem with their cats.
- Complain that the 13 amp plug you bought leaks and that as a result you've not had a bath for months.
- Go to the Customer Service desk and ask how to connect the plumb line you've just bought to your washing machine.
- Take some planks of wood into the store and ask to try their best orbital sander. Afterwards ask them where they keep the wood varnish... you'd like to try that as well.
- Order 90 metres of nylon cable with a strain rating of 6 Kg. Once they've measured and cut it produce a piece of paper from your pocket, stare at it and turn it upside down. Apologise and say that you really wanted 9 metres of nylon cable with a strain rating of 60 Kg.
- Complain that none of the taps work in the model bathroom. Threaten to sue them on health grounds because they've also forgotten to provide soap or towels.
- Try to hold up the cashier with a glue gun. Shout "Stick 'em up!" and start sniggering. When the cops come say "It was only a joke. Geddit? Glue. Stick 'em up. Joke." Keep protesting your innocence and sue them for not having a sense of humour.
- Take a section of bright yellow carpet into the paint department and get people's opinion of which paint matches it best. Then produce some bright yellow curtain material and ask whether the paint still matches. Next get some bright pink cloth ("the color of my sofa") and ask which paint goes best with all three. You can then produce another patch of material from your cushions, rugs, light-shades...
- Join the longest checkout queue when ready to pay for your goods. Then move to the back of another long queue when just about to be served. Start complaining about the slow service - but keep moving to the back of another long queue when just about to be served. Eventually the manager will come out and take you to the front of a queue - just to get rid of you. When this happens turn round and grin at everybody else who you've just jumped in front of.
- Produce a shopping list for a Jack Daniels spirit level, a long weight, a left-handed screw-driver and a tin of blue and white striped paint.
- Shake all the Christmas trees until their needles start to fall out. Decide which tree was best. Then go buy a plastic tree because all the real ones were reduced to bare twigs.
- Get a friend to hold each tape measure in turn while you pull the tape out to its fullest extent. Then shout "Yeeha!" and let the tape go. Time which recoils the fastest.
- Switch off all the lights in the building so that you can try out the torches. When the staff get angry and turn them back on ask "what they've got to hide?".
- Go to the Customer Service desk with a tin of paint (for example "Egg-shell blue", "Buttermilk white" or "Jasmine yellow") and ask whether they've got the same color but with a different name; the color's just right but there's no way you're going to paint your wall with something called *that*.
- Borrow a volt meter from the electrical section, undo all packs of batteries and test them to find the freshest ones. Then decide to buy rechargeables instead.
- Visit the garden department and ask for daffodil bulbs with the screw-type fitting. Then ask whether you can change the ones you bought by mistake last week with the bayonet fitting.
- Ask if they have any Australian hose-pipes because you are going to live there and everybody knows that water flows the other way in the southern hemisphere.
- Take your dimmer switch to the Returns Desk and complain that it is too intelligent - you wanted something dimmer.
- Open all the glue pots and start sniffing them. When an assistant asks what you're doing thrust one of them under his nose and say "Smell for yourself, this one's stale".
- Activate all the burglar alarms in the security section. When an innocent member of public sets them off, tie him up with some rope and shout "I've caught him! I've caught him!".
- Pick up one of the demonstration models in the phone section and pretend to have a private conversation. Say to the (imaginary) person on the other end "It's amazing, they must have wired this one in by mistake". See how many people you can get to pick it up and try it after you've left.
- Take items of bird food (bags of nuts and bars of seed) out into the garden section and fix them to the bird tables, so that the birds can eat them. If stopped by staff just say you thought somebody had put them in the wrong place and ask "they are meant to be for the birds outside, aren't they?".
- Try cooking your Sunday lunch in one of their example kitchens. See how far you can get. Try and build up an audience as if you were doing a demonstration. If there's no electricity say "Darn it, they forgot to wire it up for me again." and move onto some other food preparation which doesn't need electricity. Keep saying things like "Note the stylish doors", "Look at the quality of this work surface" and "The sink comes in four sizes, three shapes and seven colors".
- Buy twelve light bulbs and - when you get to the checkout - ask if you can test whether they are working because "The last time I bought some from [insert name of rival store] half of them were already blown". After they find you a socket and you've tested them all, suddenly remember you wanted a different fitting. Repeat the whole process then remember you wanted a different wattage. Repeat the whole process yet again then remember you wanted the special "reflector" spotlight ones. Eventually remember that the Electricity Company has cut your power because you've not been paying the bills. Ask them where they keep the candles.
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