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25 Ways to annoy your roommate at Christmas

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.

2. Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."

11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"

13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."

14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"

15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"

16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank."

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.

23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."

25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.

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	():holiday jokes (333): You Know You are Overdoing Thanksgiving When...

Posted by Angel Paterson on 14-Aug-2005

You Know You are Overdoing Thanksgiving When...

Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the EZ-Boy
The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail
Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog
Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy
A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000"
That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn
Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice
You consider gluttony your patriotic duty
Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this

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	():holiday jokes (333): The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop

Posted by Alycia on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 14 Things Overheard in Santa's Toyshop

14. "Y'know, this new Crying Game Barbie just doesn't seem to be very popular."

13. "Hey, this is a piece of cake compared to some of the gigs I've had -- cookies for Keebler, clothes for Kathie Lee, shoes for Nike..."

12. "I don't care what Santa thinks -- these 'Tickle Me Tripp' dolls are downright frightening!"

11. "Just toss that broken toy in the barrel marked 'Non-Christians.'"

10. "I'll build toys for the fat bastard, but shaving his back hair is where I draw the line."

9. "Santa, we already make dolls that talk, walk, wet, cry, whatever... now you want one that blows cigar smoke out of its *what*??"

8. "Please, Mrs. Claus, those batteries are for the children's toys!!"

7. "Hey, *you* try building a Playstation with nothing but antique Victorian woodcarving tools, chubbo!!"

6. "I don't care who the hell he is -- the old geezer pulls that 'checking it twice' thing again, I'm suing for sexual harassment!"

5. "Alright, which of you smartasses put the weed in the EZ Bake Oven brownie mix?!"

4. "OK, The Big Guy says no female elves on the Washington DC run this year -- it's a height thing."

3. "Even if you did see it in the Times, we don't make a 'Poke Your Eye Out Stick.'"

2. "Furby, schmurby -- Just paint the Tickle-Me-Elmos and the little brats will never know the difference."

1. "Woo-hoo! C'mon, guys -- it's time to put the finishing touches on the dresses for the Monica Lewinsky dolls!!"

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]

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	():holiday jokes (333): Which is Best?

Posted by Christine Daae on 14-Aug-2005

Which is Best?

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE: Live tree, planted after use
MALE: Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE: Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY: Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with fur-balls

CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE: Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE: Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE: Elegant flickering candles
REALITY: Tree bursts into flames, burns house down

CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE: Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE: Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE: Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY: Hell's Angel steals the tree and the gifts

CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE: Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE: Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE: Each icicle hangs like strand of delicate artwork
REALITY: More icicles on floor than on tree

CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or morning?
YUPPIE: Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules so all enjoy surprise
MALE: Anytime, just so it doesn't interfere with football
FEMALE: Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY: Doesn't matter, everyone's peeked anyway

CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner
YUPPIE: Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE: Anything, as long as there's plenty of both it - and beer
FEMALE: A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY: Chinese carry-out or McDonald's

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	():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

Posted by Emily P. Giles on 14-Aug-2005

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid

10. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling

7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts

6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

5. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list

4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee

3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

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	():holiday jokes (333): The Top 14 Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy

Posted by Steph Reddin on 14-Aug-2005

The Top 14 Signs You're Caught Up in the Holiday Shopping Frenzy

14. Before stepping out of your car, you put in a mouthpiece, slip on protective goggles, and tape your ankles.

13. You've somehow convinced yourself that "Visa burn" entitles you to park in handicapped spaces.

12. You call the kids to dinner and hear their muffled screams coming from boxes you wrapped that afternoon.

11. At 95% off, you don't care if that Acme Iron Lung works or not -- your kids are going to use it and appreciate it!

10. Sure, the sign says "1 Furby per customer", but they're probably not doing body cavity searches.

9. The bank has replaced your Platinum Visa with a one-of-a-kind Plutonium Visa.

8. On any given day, you have more plastic on you than Anna Nicole Smith and Pamela Anderson Lee combined.

7. In an effort to please your 5-year-old, you trade your 2-year-old for a Furby.

6. Upon awakening on the sofa, you discover 10 beer empties, 5 Cheetoh bags, and an answering machine message thanking you for your order of 100 Dale Earnhardt Hummel Figures

5. The producer of "American Gladiators" calls after seeing you fight for the last Furby on CNN.

4. Just too busy shopping to fact-check your NY Times article.

3. Currently spending more time at "Amazon.com" than at "AmazonWomen.com"

2. Your MasterCard bill arrives on a Zip disk.

1. You hike up your skirt in front of the Toys 'R' Us manager, and in a throaty moan utter, "Wanna trade Furbies?"

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@topfive.com http://www.topfive.com ]

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