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| Posted by Emi J. LaLa on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 Blind MiceThree mice walk into a bar and sit down, one right after the
other. They order a round of Vodka for themselves and start to
talk.
The first mouse guzzles the drink and says, "I set off mouse
traps just for fun."
Then the second mouse drinks his and says, "Oh yeah? I ground up
those poison pills they try to give us and snort 'em."
Then, the third mouse gulps down his drink, puts his coat on,
and walks out. The other two mice yell, "Where in the Hell do
you think you're goin'?"
The mouse replys: "To go fuck the cat."
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| Posted by Jessica L. Harwood on 14-Aug-2005 | A horse and chickenOn a farm the was a horse and a chicken who were friends. One
day they were mucking around on the farm in a paddock where
there was a big deep hole, which the horse fell into.
"Help me" neigh the horse.
"OK I'll go get the farmer." Clucked the chicken. And so the
chicken went to get the farmer but he could not be found. So he
went into the barn and got into the farmers new BMW and drove
out to the horse, put a rope around the horse and pulled him out
of the hole.
The next day not having learned the lesson the horse and the
chicken were playing near the hole again. But this time the
chicken fell in.
"Help me" clucked the chicken, but instead of running to get the
farmers car the horse lowered his cock into the hole and picked
up the chick.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
If your hung like a horse you dont need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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| Posted by frank on 14-Aug-2005 | Interesting FactsIf you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (So
what are you waiting for?)
If you fart consistantly for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create an atomic bomb.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
On average people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a
champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do. (Left-handies take note!!)
In ancient Egypt, Priests plucked every hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its
own weight and always falls over on its right side when
intoxicated.
Polar bears are left handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish
rank #1 for animals having the most taste buds.
The flea can jump 350 times its body length, that is like a
human jumping the length of a footbal field.
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it
starves to death.
A gorilla's penis is 1/3 that of a human.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The giraffe has a black tongue that is 14 inches long and about
no vocal cords.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Starfishes haven't got brains.
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| Posted by vicky on 14-Aug-2005 | Smart DogsFour men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. The first man was
an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a
chemist, and the fourth man was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff!"
T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and
promptly drew a circle, a square, and a rectangle. Everyone agreed that
was pretty smart.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and
said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out to the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies. He proceeded to divide them into 4 equal
piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was very smart, also.
However, the chemist said his dog could do even better. He called his dog
and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the
fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 oz. glass from the cupboard,
and poured exactly 8 oz. without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was
also very smart.
These three men then turned to the government worker and asked, "What can
your dog do?"
The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your
stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk,
crapped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he
injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
working conditions, put in for Workman's Comp, and went home on sick leave.
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():animal jokes (1719): Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill |
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| Posted by RARA on 14-Aug-2005 | Instructions for Giving Your Cat a Pill1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Doulton figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass
of water to take away taste. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and
remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed,
force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed
by large piece of filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash down pill.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Stop at furniture shop on way home to order new table.
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():animal jokes (1719): Octopus Who Plays Musical Instruments |
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| Posted by Big Head Bill on 14-Aug-2005 | Octopus Who Plays Musical InstrumentsA guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down
on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very
talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the
world." He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling
him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will wager $500 to anyone
who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks
up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So
the man pays his $500.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the
trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his $500.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and
the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a
confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can you not play it?" The
octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to shag it
as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
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