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| Posted by Rebecca Dawn on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 inch manA man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."
Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"
The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks "He can drink?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink."
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"
The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter.
Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.
The bartender is in total shock.
"That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"
The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor a Nigger!"
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| Posted by Bob the Legless Hobo on 09-Aug-2005 | Circus owner in barA circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed
that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheelin' and dealin' they settled for $10000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on
the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot
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| Posted by Alycia Dufresne on 09-Aug-2005 | $2000 cash prizeA man goes into a bar and sees a pile of cash on a table beneath a big sign that reads "$2,000 Cash Prize! See bartender for details."
Keeping one eye on the stack of money, the man goes over and asks the bartender what he has to do to win the prize.
"You have to do three things and its all yours," the bartender says.
"Just three things?" the guy asks, rubbing his hands now and imagining about walking out of the bar $2,000 richer.
"What are the three things?"
"Well," the bartender says, "first you have to go over to that 200-pound bouncer and knock him out..."
"After that, I've got a mean-tempered pitbull in the backroom who needs a tooth pulled..."
"Then you have to go and make love to the 80-year-old lady who lives upstairs."
"No problem," the guy says. He struts over to the bouncer and says, "Hey pal your shoelace is untied."
When the bouncer looks down at his shoes, the man flattens him with a single, solid uppercut.
Next he heads to the back room where the pitbull is housed.
The bartender can heara tremendous commotion from the back room it sounds like the pitbull has gone crazy.
After a few minutes the man emerges from the backroom, quite bloody and cut up and breathing heavily.
"Okay," he says, "where's the old broad that needs her tooth pulled??"
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| Posted by Banu S. Thuraisingam on 09-Aug-2005 | Ghost dog in barOne night, after closing time a barman is sitting at his bar minding his own buisiness, when a spectral hound floats in through the door.
The barman, being an exceptionally cool kind of guy, asks "yeah, what do you want?".
The phantom hound explains, in a haunting voice "I've lost my tail...... and cannot rest until a kindly barman stitches it back-on".
At this request the barman stands back astonished and says to the phantom dog..... "Sorry, but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night".
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| Posted by Jasie-poo M on 09-Aug-2005 | Priest and Rabbi...A Priest and a Rabbi walk into a bar.
After sitting down, ordering, and chitchat the Priest says "Have you noticed there are no women in this bar?"
He then realizes the truth "I think we're in a gay bar."
A man approaches and is trying to flirt with the priest.
The priest is dumbfounded, and doesn't know what to do.
The Rabbi leans over and whispers something in the mans ear.
The man walks off.
The Priest says "Thanks, but what did you tell him."
The Rabbi replies "I just told him we're on our honeymoon."
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| Posted by Julie Evangelou on 09-Aug-2005 | After work drinksA fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking.
He stays until the bar closes at 2am,
at which time he is extremely drunk.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so
he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs.
Half-way up the stairs, he falls over
backwards and lands flat on his rear end.
That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly.
But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.
Well, he repaired the damage as
best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the
covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
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