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| Posted by Jenks on 11-Aug-2005 | A cabbie picks up a nun...A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, ''I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''
''Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.''
She responds, ''Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.''
The cab driver is very excited and says, ''Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!''
The nun says ''OK, pull into the next alley.''
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. ''My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?''
''Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.''
The nun says, ''That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.''
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| Posted by Lisa M. Huffstutler on 11-Aug-2005 | What do little ghosts drink?Q: What do little ghosts drink?
A: Evaporated milk.
Q: Why do cemeteries have fences around them?
A: Because people are dying to get in.
Q: When do ghosts usually appear?
A: Just before someone screams.
Q: What should you say when you meet a ghost?
A: ''How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?''
Q: What's a ghost's favorite breakfast?
A: Ghost toasties with booberries.
Q: What's soft, moldy and flies?
A: A spoiled bat.
Q: What did the policeman say when a black widow spider ran down his back?
A: ''You're under a vest!''
Q: What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
A: He had to give it back.
Q: Why did the monster salute his vegetable soup?
A: He looked in his bowl and saw a kernel of corn.
Q: What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A: A dead ringer.
Q: What did Dracula say then he saw a giraffe for the first time?
A: I'd like to get to gnaw you.
Q: Which story do all little witches love to hear at bedtime?
A: ''Ghoul Deluxe and the Three Scares.''
Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?
A: So they can fight knights.
Q: Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
A: In a blood bank.
Q: How does a witch tell time?
A: She looks at her witch watch.
Q: Where can you see a real ugly monster?
A: In the mirror.
Q: When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
A: When you're a mouse. Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose? A: The locomotive told him to ''Choo, choo.''
Q: What's the best place for a mirror?
A: In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.
Q: What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A: A holy terror.
Q: Why do witches think they're funny?
A: Every time they look in the mirror, it cracks up.
Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape.
Q: What would you find on a haunted beach?
A: A sand witch.
Q: Who has a broom and flies?
A: A jelly-covered janitor.
Q: What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
A: Five after one.
Q: Why don't skeletons like parties?
A: They have no body to dance with.
Q: What did the bat say to the witch's hat?
A: You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.
Q: What if you crossed a rabbit with a wolf?
A: You'd get a harewolf.
Q: What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
A: You hear the broom boom.
Q: What goes ''Oob, oob!?''
A: A witch in reverse.
Q: How do you make a milkshake?
A: You sneak up behind a glass of milk and yell ''Boo!''
Q: What happens to a fast witch on a slow broom?
A: She flies off the handle.
Q: Why do demons hang out with ghouls?
A: Because demons are a ghouls best friend.
Q: Why did the other kids have to let the vampire play baseball?
A: It was his bat.
Q: What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Put your boos and shocks on.
Q: What did the lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: See you n
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| Posted by Mary on 11-Aug-2005 | 12 Days of Christmas sent from MexicoOn the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,
7 pints of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
10 Ripened Mango's.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
11 boxes of Chicklets.
10 Ripened Mango's.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
12 Bottles of Corona.
11 boxes of Chicklets.
10 Ripened Mango's.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
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| Posted by radioactive peanut on 11-Aug-2005 | Rudolf the Bengal tigerRudolf the Bengal reindeer. Copyright Mrs. G.Parry
(To the traditional tune of ???¬?Rudolf the red nosed reindeer???¬? and last verse ???¬?Santa clause is coming to town???¬?, played on Indian instruments.)
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.
And if you ever saw him, you would know it???¬??s not a joke.
All of the other reindeer,
Used to laugh and call him names.
They wouldn???¬??t let poor Rudolf,
Join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa called to say,
Rudolf with your coat so bright,
Won???¬??t you pull my sleigh tonight.
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer
With a very shinny smile.
Knew that his luck was changing,
in a very little while.
Then how the reindeer worried
And they shouted out in fear
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer
He was getting much too near.
A sleigh with presents all aboard
A busy night ahead
Santa thought it very weird
How his Reindeer disappeared.
Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.
And if you ever saw him, you would know its not a joke.
All of the elves and Santa
Knew that Rudolf couldn???¬??t stay
They wouldn???¬??t let poor Rudolf
They all chased him far away.
You???¬??d better watch out
You???¬??d better take care
You???¬??d better not cry
I???¬??m telling you why
Rudolf is coming to town
Grrrrrr.
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| Posted by lisa g on 11-Aug-2005 | ChristmasPositive Thinking for Christmas
Lately there???¬??s been a lot of negative images and about Christmas conjured up. Usually it???¬??s from TV, movies, books, and the Internet. This makes for a sad, dreary Christmas, just the opposite, as what it should be. To cheer up the dreariness, caused by these negatives, the following list should be used. First is listed the negative idea or image. Then is the positive thinking needed to replace those negatives. So with positive thinking everyone will have a Joyous and Happy Christmas Season.
1. Negative
On TV and in movies Santa Claus shown as a drunk being hauled of to jail.
Positive
Think of how easy it is to get a bicycle, instead of your usual lump of coal, by mugging Santa.
2. Negative
How Santa might not get to your house before morning, because of a blizzard.
Positive
How fast the sled and reindeer can fly with a 60 mile per hour tail wind.
3. Negative
Elfs going on strike and there are no toys in the stores to be given to you as presents.
Positive
The money you save by rewrapping the presents you received last year and giving as presents this year.
4. Negative
You are getting no presents because Santa is too fat to fit down the chimney.
Positive
Think of how the reindeers feel after pulling a fat guy around the world in one night.
5. Negative
Thinking of what strange things an old man is doing in your living room in the middle of the night.
Positive
Tape Santas' visit and sell the tape as a video to a cable company that features New Rock Bands.
6. Negative
Grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
Positive
More presents for me.
7. Negative
Not getting presents, because the reindeers are sick and can???¬??t pull the sled.
Positive
More deermeat for Santa.
8. Negative
How it???¬??s really hard for Santa to get down the chimney with the fire burning full blast.
Positive
How easy it is for Santa to get up the chimney.
9.Negative
Santa and his reindeers getting shot down by a missile when coming into Canada from the North Pole.
Positive
Presents for the caribou.
10. Negative
How lonely Mrs. Claus gets with Santa away all Christmas Eve.
Positive
The one night a year to party with the Elfs.
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