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| Posted by Smart Fool on 14-Aug-2005 | A Cat's DiaryDAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top
of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body,
in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick
minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece
of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
"beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was
due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how
to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the
other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful
tongue. (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them
regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
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| Posted by Christian t. Rios on 14-Aug-2005 | Kitty AccidentCalling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because
the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I could think up a dozy to explain the
bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my
shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset
it."
"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised
around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the
sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt
at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to
their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves
compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a
violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly
stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and
rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are
sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when
it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek
great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out
cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical
laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's
the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.
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| Posted by Magic Mike on 14-Aug-2005 | Hungry MonkeyA guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink
and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the
place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,
then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the
pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and
swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey
just did?"
The guy says, "No what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" Says the
bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats
everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey
with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around
the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey
finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up
his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did
now?" He asks.
"Now what?" Responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it
out and ate it!" says the barkeep.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still
eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue
ball he measures everything first!"
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| Posted by Arty S. Choco on 14-Aug-2005 | Rude ParrotDavid received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was
fully-grown with a bad attitude and terrible vocabulary. Every
other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were,
to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude. He was
constantly saying polite words and playing soft music; he tried
everything he knew. Nothing worked. When he yelled at the bird,
the bird got worse. If he shook the bird, the bird got madder
and ruder.
Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking
and screaming horrible expletives. Then, suddenly, there was
quiet. David was frightened that he might have actually hurt the
bird and opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and
said, "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language
and actions, so I ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to
correct my behavior." David was astounded at the bird's change
of attitude and was about to ask what had changed him . . . when
the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"
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| Posted by Ciara Blaze on 14-Aug-2005 | Bear HuntingBill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting
in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he
kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder,
and he turns around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to
death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear.
He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill
heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear
and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A
huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says,
"That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, Either I maul you
to death or we have sex." Bill bends over.
He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of
time to recover. He's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to
Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank
range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an
enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really
come here for the hunting, do you?"
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| Posted by Jason J. Konstantino on 14-Aug-2005 | Poor RabbitYears ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I
noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my
dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's
rabbit.
For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to
its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no
different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I
washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry
with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and
replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as
"natural causes".
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in
as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight
for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good
neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I
could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would
dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
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