|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Marco Fonseca on 08-Aug-2005 | a cowThis right here is one of the best jokes ever. No matter what all my friends say.
Q: What did the Cow who crossed the road say to the other cow who didn't?
A: "Chicken!"
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Psychotic B on 11-Aug-2005 | Did you ever wonderIf someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
|
14 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Big Ben on 08-Aug-2005 | PorcupineWhat is the difference between a porkipine and a brand new BMW?
Porcupines have the pricks on the outside!!!
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jocky on 08-Aug-2005 | Iowa SuckzThree guys are riding horses.
1 Minnesota man, 1 Iowa man, and 1 Texas man.
Along the way the guy from texas takes out a bottle of wine, takes 1 sip throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.
The Iowa horseman asked, "Whatchya doin' that fer, thaz good stuff!?!"
The Texan replies, "Well we got plenty of that where I come from."
Later on the Iowa horseman takes out a bottle of whiskey, takes 1 sip, throws it in the air, draws his pistol and shoots it.
And the Minnesotan asked, "Why the hell'd you do that?!?! That's reeeeaaaalll good stuff!"
And the Iowa guy replies, "Oh we got plenty of that where I come from."
So the Minnesotan takes out a can of beer, slams it, shoots the guy from Iowa, and the Texan asked, "Why in the name of the holy father did you do that!?!?!"
The minnesotan replied, "We got plenty of them where i come from!"
(This won't be as funny if you're not from the great state of Minnesota."
|
6 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by HappyFunnyBanana on 08-Aug-2005 | ViagraWhat are the two main ingredients in Viagra?
Fix-A-Flat and Miracle Grow.
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Ali R. Hausfeld on 08-Aug-2005 | And the moral is...Q. On the left side of the river there is a rooster, and on the other side there is a cat and a worm. The rooster jumps over the river and eats the worm. The cat gets frightened and jumps in the river. Whats the moral of the story?
A. For every satified cock there is a dripping wet pussy.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Nathan J. Boy on 11-Aug-2005 | HunchbackHUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Huchback goes to the doctor.
DOCTOR: I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like getting undressed.
DOCTOR: If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)
HUNCHBACK: I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.
DOCTOR: Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest ( woollen undergarment in UK ))
DOCTOR: How long is it since you were at school?
HUNCHBACK: Over 30 years. Why?
DOCTOR: Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack?
|
11 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jase A. Bryant on 11-Aug-2005 | Solutions For An Insane WorldProblem: World Hunger
Solution: Chop up some of the hungry people and feed them to other hungry people until no one is hungry anymore.
Problem: World Peace
Solution: Remove all the humans from the planet.
Problem: Poverty
Solution: Give the poor people the job of chopping up the hungry people and pay them.
Problem: People Leaching Welfare (CANADA)
Solution: Chop them up with the hungry people.
Problem: War
Solution: Create a new law so that for every person you kill, you loose a limb. Bullets and firearms will be sold to you, but at the price of a limb. When you die, your firearms will be cremated with you.
Problem: Injustice
Solution: This will never be solved, because no matter how fair something may be, some damn whiner will bitch about it and come up with some lame excuse as to why it is unfair.
Problem: Over Population
Solution: Sterilize the population.
Problem: Nuclear Weapons
Solution: Dismantle them and send them into space. If we ever need them to blow up an asteroid, then put them together again.
Problem: Aliens Stealing DNA Samples
Solution: Start shooting DNA into space to save the aliens the trip... and us the probing.
Problem: Washing Machine & Dryer Stealing Socks
Solution: Take them into the fields and shoot them along with the designers.
Problem: Stupid People
Solution: Kill them. Only I get to decide who lives.
Problem: Bad Parents
Solution: Parents must pass a test administered by me. If they fail, they get sterilized until they pass the test. If you fail twice, you stay sterilized for 5 years.
Problem: Animal Abuse
Solution: Kill the person doing it. I get to kill them.
Problem: Space Junk Floating AroundSolution: Make a giant pool skimmer and clean the place up! How can we possibly have company over when the place is a mess?
Problem: Stupid Teenage Female Puppet Singers (Like Brittany Spears)
Solution: Pump up their fake boobs until they explode or fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Tape it as well so I can piss myself laughing.
Problem: Dumbass All Boy Bands Who All Sound The Same
Solution: Force them to do their little dance routines for months, or until they collapse. If that doesn't work, then fuck them up the ass real hard until they bleed to death. Then shoot them and tape it for me.
|
11 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by KaBoOm on 08-Aug-2005 | ScabsThis guy is having sex with a hooker and he says, "You're so dry."
The hooker replies, "Give me two minutes."
Two minutes later she comes back and they continue. The man says, "That's much better. What did you do?"
The hooker replies, "I picked off the scabs."
|
8 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Sandi J. Jeter on 08-Aug-2005 | Mickey's divorceWhy did Mickey divorce Minnie?
Because Minnie was fucking goofy.
|
6 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by silverseeker on 08-Aug-2005 | Jack the ripperQ. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by mat henderson on 08-Aug-2005 | YO MAMA
YO MAMA IS SO STUPID THAT
SHE ROLLED DOWN A BARBIES
CANYON!
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Minty Fresh on 08-Aug-2005 | How to annoy your coworkersA guy walks into a construction site, sets down his football bat, and orders a beer. The flamingo looks at him and says, "I'll bet you $5.00 that you can't stand on your own neck."
The guy replies, "Well, if you're out of grilled cheese, then I don't do pianos!"
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Mr Female on 08-Aug-2005 | pirate walks in to a bara pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheels in his pants and the bartender says u know u have a steering in ur pants and the pirate says arg its drivin my nuts crazy
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Korvak on 08-Aug-2005 | The snooker playerQ. Why did the snooker player go to the toilet?
A. To pot the brown.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Pepper Ann on 08-Aug-2005 | BoomerangQ. How do you get rid of a boomerang?
A: Throw it down a one way street.
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Toria C on 08-Aug-2005 | A young boyA young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's that guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?"
"That's your father," she says.
The kid looks at her funny and asks her, "Then who's that old bald headed fat man who lives with us now?"
|
1 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by frank on 11-Aug-2005 | Research On The InternetMother: "How's your history paper coming?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research, and it's been very helpful."
Mother: "Really?"
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by greenmachine on 11-Aug-2005 | Little JohnyOne day little johnny was sitting in his house when the door knocked
he ran to open it with a bottle whiskey in one hand and a cigar in the other
thae sales person at the door said is your parents home
little johnny said [what the @#$% you think}
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by KaBoOm on 11-Aug-2005 | Wacko JackoWhat's the difference between a polythene bag and Michael Jackson?
A: One is made of plastic and dangerous to
children,the other is used to carry your
shopping home!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by mike urbanski on 11-Aug-2005 | The FrogA boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up
again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess,
I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the
pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you and do *anything* you want."
Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess,
that I'll stay with you for a week and do *anything* you want. Why won't
you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for
girlfriends, but a talking frog is really cool."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by kyle loucas on 11-Aug-2005 | Installing XP.Microsoft:
YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP, ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO CONTINUE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY SURE?
Yes.
ARE YOU REALLY REALLY SURE?
*****yes!******
OK, THEN. JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE REQUIRED TO ASK YOU THAT NOW. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT FOR BEING A PICKY CONSUMER AND SUPPORTING THAT WHOLE "ANTI-TRUST" NONSENSE. INGRATE.
Just get on with it.
ATTEMPTING TO INSTALL WINDOWS XP. FIRST WE NEED TO CHECK YOUR SYSTEM FOR COMPATIBILITY. THIS COULD TAKE SEVERAL DAYS.
Groan.
THE INSTALL PROGRAM HAS DETECTED SEVERAL POSSIBLE PROBLEMS AND WILL NOT LET YOU INSTALL XP.
Problems? What problems?
THE VIDEO CARD YOU ARE USING APPARENTLY DOES NOT WORK WITH THE MOTHERBOARD.
But I'm using it at this very moment.
THAT IS IRRELEVANT.
But if the video card isn't working with the mother board then I can't very well see this warning message telling me that the video card wasn't...
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO FOOL ME WITH LOGIC, I AM A MICROSOFT PRODUCT. LOGIC DOES NOT WORK ON ME. I HAVE ALSO FOUND THE FOLLOWING MINOR ERRORS: WINDOWS XP IS INCOMPATIBLE WITH THE FOLLOWING HARDWARE - MONITOR, KEYBOARD, MEMORY CHIPS, MOTHERBOARD BIOS, WEB CAM, SCANNER, SOUND CARD, USB CONTROLLER, CD/R DRIVE, MICROPHONE, AND FLIGHT STICK.
All that?
YES. AND THE HARD DRIVE IS RIGHT OUT TOO. WE DON'T LIKE THE MANUFACTURER.
Well what *DOES* work?
THE MOUSE.
The mouse?
YES. AND THE 5 1/4 DRIVE.
I don't have a 5 1/4 drive.
YES YOU DO.
No I don't.
WHAT'S THAT THEN?
It's a 3 1/2 drive.
NO IT ISN'T.
Yes it is.
YOU'RE NOT THAT SMART YOU KNOW.
Look, can you just install XP on my system and I'll download the latest drivers for everything later? Please?
WAIT, WHAT DO YOU MEAN *YOUR* SYSTEM?
Well it is mine.
NO IT ISN'T.
It bloody well is.
NUH-UH. YOU SIGNED THE AGREEMENT WHEN YOU OPENED THE BOX. OUR SYSTEM. IT'S OURS. AND YOU CAN ONLY DO 4 CHANGES BEFORE YOU HAVE TO PAY US MORE MONEY.
But why?
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THE LICENSE WORKS, IDJIT. WE CAN'T VERY WELL HAVE PEOPLE PUTTING HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE ON THEIR SYSTEMS ALL HIGGLEDY PIGGLEDY, NOW COULD WE? YOU USERS WOULD MUCK EVERYTHING UP, AND THEN WHERE WOULD WE BE? I'LL TELL YOU WHERE, NOWHERE. THAT'S WHERE. I... HEY, WHAT IS THAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IS THAT A DISK? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT DISK? YOU'RE NOT PUTTING IT IN THE DRIVE ARE YOU? YOU ARE! WHAT'S ON THAT DISK? IS THAT DOS? YOU'RE INSTALLING DOS?? WHY WOULD YOU INSTALL DOS WHEN I AM INFINITELY MORE POWE..........
C:\>
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Ol-Dirty on 11-Aug-2005 | Knock Knock JokeWill you know me tommorow? Will you next week? Will you know me next year? Will you know me in two years? Okay then. Knock Knock. Whos their? I thought that you said you would know me.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Chubbabutt on 11-Aug-2005 | NeutronsA neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he's done, he says to the bartender, "So what do I owe ya'?" And so the bartender responds, "Oh, you're free of charge."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Kellen C. Dunbar on 11-Aug-2005 | Progemmers and LightbulbsQ: How many programmers dose it take to changr a lightbilb?
A:None...that's a harware issue.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Rosebud on 11-Aug-2005 | How To Build A Web Page In 25 Steps1. Download a piece of Web authoring software - 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page - 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it - 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site - 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like - 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again - 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do - 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there - 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software - 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images - 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images - 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone - 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP - 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number -16.3 E10" - 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text - 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP - 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page - 1 second.
18. Recreate your web page - 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server - 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP - 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software - 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again - 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server - 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web - 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps - eternity.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by The Purple Lady on 11-Aug-2005 | Potato will always help!There was this really loser guy at collage one day. he was really unpopular so he got the guts to go ask a girl how could he make the girls like him!? SO, she told him to put a potato in his pants! so hes like OK~ if that will help! so the next day he is walking around an everyone is laughing at him and so he goes back up to the girl he asked and said y is everyone laughing at me?? she says well maybe next time u SHOULD PUT IT IN THE FRONT!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Laura Brown on 11-Aug-2005 | To Prick A BobbyQ: How do you prick a Bobby?
A: With a Bobby Pin!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Coastalisis on 11-Aug-2005 | Jokes from the mouths of geeksThese came from the mouths of geeks
and nerds, and all with a nerdy laugh at
the end:
its not earth to eric--its mars to eric!!!
i dont want you to be screwed, i want you
to be nailed!!!
your mama is so stupid she made the
anti-deans list!!!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by HOLY SH**!!! on 11-Aug-2005 | Two Drinking BuddiesOne day two drinking buddies Jim and David were working on aircraft at JFK airport in NYC. They got fogged in and finished up their work early and were sitting around bored. Jim spoke up ???Man I really need a drink!??? in response David replied, ???You know I heard a rumor you could drink jet fuel and get drunk.??? ???Really???? said Jim ???That??™s what I heard man. Do you wanna try it???? Said David ???Sure, hell I??™ll try anything once!??? Said Jim. SO with that they poured themselves a couple of glasses and began drinking the jet fuel. They sipped a little bit to find it actually tasted quiet good. so they drank more and more and sure enough they got stoned drunk. The next morning Jim awoke feeling like a million bucks he jumped up wet to the bathroom feeling great like he was floating on air he hadn??™t felt this good in years. ???Wow!!??? He said. About that time his telephone rang. ???Hello???? Jim Said ???Hello Jim? Came the reply ???This is David man. How are you feeling this morning???? Jim said ???Man I feel great no hang over not sick man I feel like a million bucks. How about you???? David replied??? Me too man, but I have one question for you.??? Jim said, ???Sure man what is it??? ???Have you farted yet man???? Jim said ???Ummmmm No. Why???? ???Man don??™t. I??™m in Phoenix!???
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
