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| Posted by will on 12-Aug-2005 | A few way to handle stress!Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)
1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.
(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)
2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.
(Even better to call after doing it and say you didn't authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)
3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)
4. When someone says "Have a nice day" tell them you have other plans.
(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)
5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.
(And if she's cute, always ask if assistance is available.)
6. Dance naked in front of your pets.
(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)
7. Put your toddler's clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.
(You can get real creative here...especially if you put a dress on your son.)
8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
(Trust me...they're in there! I found 70 in just the A's!)
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| Posted by Softballbabe on 12-Aug-2005 | Bored? Try these!Boredom should NEVER be an symptom in your life. All you need to do is read this list and Rock-N-Roll!
WARNING: Some of these may result in people chasing you. Always wear tennis shows and have your escape route planned out :)
1: Reply to everything someone says with, "that's what YOU think!"
2: Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and re-route entire streets.
(This one is especially useful if you're having a yard sale!)
3: Ask people what gender they are. When they reply, ask - "are you sure?"
(Not recommended at Biker Bars)
4: Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and repeatedly saying "blah, blah, blah, blah".
5: Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
(Works even better if your rent a cop uniform.)
6: Go to your local mall. Walk up to strangers and say: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now." If they answer you, go to plan 4 above. Be prepared to run real fast :)
7: Go to the local electronics or appliance store. Adjust the tint on all their TV's so that all the people are green. When an employees asks what you're doing, insist that you "like it that way."
8: Drive around your city or town honking at pedestians. Flip them off while driving by. Collect points for reactions:
A: They flip you off - plus 20 points.
B: They wave at you - minus 10 points.
C: No reaction or blank stare - minus 10 points.
D: They trip or run into something while staring - plus 25 points.
Bonus: If they fall down, give yourself 100 points.
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| Posted by Darrick R. Adams on 12-Aug-2005 | The 3 convicts.Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to
take one item with them to help them occupy their time while
incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you
bring?"
The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he
intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the
"Grandma Moses of Jail".
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought
cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself.
The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did
you bring?"
The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought
these!"
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What on earth can you do with
those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the
box.. I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
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| Posted by Joe on 12-Aug-2005 | The Drunk!It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done.
It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.
Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed...
"Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"
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| Posted by Lexi M. Johnson on 12-Aug-2005 | Courtroom ding-dongs!*** Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ***
( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?
What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did!
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
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| Posted by Abby J. Parker on 12-Aug-2005 | Idiot Sightings!IDIOT SIGHTINGS...
Sighting #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
Idiot Sighting #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, "What on earth are blind people doing driving!"
Idiot Sighting #3:
At a good-bye lunch for an old and dear coworker who is leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager spoke up and said, "this is fun. We should have lunch like this more often," Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.
Idiot Sighting #4:
I worked with an Individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.
Idiot Sighting #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" "I know," answered the young man. "I already got that side..."
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