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| Posted by Mike A. Harms on 13-Aug-2005 | A great fruit cake recipeYou'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
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| Posted by Zalman Puchkoff on 08-Aug-2005 | Crummy DayWhy did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt pretty crummy!
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| Posted by Chris L. Johnson on 11-Aug-2005 | Knife and falkAn italian walks into a hotel in malta and finds he has no sheet on his bed so he tells the owner" i want a shite on my bed " the owner says you had better shit on the bed.
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| Posted by Roy Covington III on 11-Aug-2005 | Apple Pie and BBsOne day Mary, a mom of 3, was making a pie for her kids. Johnny was 5, steve was 10, and Cortez was 15. Steve had a BB gun and left the box of BBs on on the kitchen table. While Mary was cooking the pie she turned and the box of BBs fell into the pie mix. She decided not to worry about and left them in without tell her children. After dinner, the desert was the pie and every kid had 2 pieces. The next day when they got home johnny went to his mom and say that he peed out little silver balls and Mary told him not to worry about it. Then steve came to her and said the same thing and she told him not to worry about it. Then Cortez came to mary and mary said, "let me guess, you peed out little silver balls." and Cortez said, "No i was jacking off in the kitchen and i think i killed the dog!".
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| Posted by Christopher J. Lennon on 11-Aug-2005 | VegetarianismA man was talking to his friends about why he was a vegetarian.
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals," he said, "I'm a vegetarian 'cause I HATE plants!"
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| Posted by Me Mo on 11-Aug-2005 | THINGS go better with CokeAn airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, "You betcha!"
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
The chief says, "No."
"No?" asked the rescuer.
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."
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| Posted by Bluestar on 11-Aug-2005 | ChiliA man walks into a resteraunt and orders a bowl of chili. The waitress tells him that the man in the next booth ordered the last one. He joins the man, see's he has a full bowl and asks "can I have your chili?" the man says sure. The man starts eating until he comes to the bottom of the bowl and see's a dead mouse. He vomits into the bowl, the other man says - yeah, I did the same thing.
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| Posted by Ben Driediger on 11-Aug-2005 | Black man, sex & chocolate biky'sThis chick goes to a bar and picks up this guy and they get talkin and they end up going back to her place. about an hour later her husband walks in and see's this guys underwear on the floor. he says "next time i see another guyz pants on the floor im gunna pull out everyone of ur pubic hairs"! the next night she goes to the bar again and says hi to this black dude. she said you wanna come back to my place? and he says only for a chocolate biky. so she gave him the biky and headed home. they got upstairs and she said you wanna get naked? and he said only for a chocolate biky. then she gave him the biky and got naked. then she said to him you wanna root me hard? and he said only for a chocolate biky. so she gave him the biky and they got right into it. about an hour later her husband was coming up the stairs. then she said quick get in the closet and he said only for a choclate biky. so she gave him the biky and he got in. the husband then saw the pants on the floor and said, alright get on the bed and give me the tweezers. then he started pulling them out. he was down to the last black curly son of a bitch and he yelled, "COME OUT YOU BLCK BASTARD" and the black dude in the closet goes only for a chocolate biky!
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| Posted by coucool slim (moe dog) on 08-Aug-2005 | FOODWhat's the difference between a Triscuit and a lesbian?
One's a snack cracker, and the other's a crack snacker.
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| Posted by taryn on 11-Aug-2005 | Strage Eating HabitsA mother complained to her doctor about her daughter's
strange eating habits.
"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax.
What will happen to her, doctor?," the mother inquired.
"Eventually," said the doctor, "she will rise and shine!"
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| Posted by *rach* on 09-Aug-2005 | Purchasing power of burgersCologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
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| Posted by Ulax B. Cool on 09-Aug-2005 | The family of tomatoesA family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
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| Posted by Ulic Qel-Droma on 11-Aug-2005 | Fruit SaladThree guys who were lost at sea ended up landing on an unfamiliar island. After wandering around for a while, a group of natives picked them up and took them to their hut. The chief came up to them and said, "We will let you live, if you can go out into the jungle and bring me 10 pieces of fruit." So the men agree and take off. The first guy brings back 10 apples and places them before the chief. "Now, you must stick the apples up your ass and not show a bit of emotion, or else we will kill you." The guy got one, and on the second, he flinched and was killed. The second guy walks up and shows the chief 10 berries. He is given the same task and makes it up to 8 and then begins to laugh histerically. He is also killed. When the second guy gets to heaven and meets up with the first, the first asks him "You almost had it! Why did you laugh??" The second replies, "I couldnt help it. I got the 8th up there and saw the other guy walking up with pineapples."
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| Posted by Sara Bernabeo on 11-Aug-2005 | GrossOne day i was at the library and i was just standing there and hten i blew out thisbig wet juicy fart i was dripping down my legs then it started turning a green and yellow colour it looked good enough to eat so i whipped down my pants and started eating it it was like a taste of heaven some off you people out there with wet farts should try them some day i would also like to conclude.
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| Posted by funnygirl on 11-Aug-2005 | New comersTwo women from england moved to America. They decided that since it was a traditional American food they would try there first hot dog.They were talking about how mean it was to kill a helpless dog for food. So they went to a hot dog stand and bought the hot dogs. They found a park bench to sit on and eat there dogs. The first one opens hers and turns bright pink...
and says.....
"what part did you get?"
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| Posted by rick close on 11-Aug-2005 | Gold jokeFive men were selecter for a survey. They were taken away to a hotel called the goldings. There they found the place covered top to bottom in golden fittnigs and furnishings, the doors were gold , the floor was gold , the roof was gold , the stairs were gold .Every thing in the lobby was gold.
They were shown to there rooms by a maid , she had golden hair , golden dress , golden tights , golden shoes , golden piney and a golden hat. She shown each man in to his room.
The rooms were decorated in yet more gold. Golden beds , golden pillows , golden windows, golden toothbrushes , golden chocolates, golden soap, golden bathrobes, golden pictures .
They woke up that morning to have a bath in a golden bath with golden taps , golden mirrors , golden tiles and a golden toilet.
They were led to the golden diningroom via the golden staircase. The dining room was exquist. Golden walls , golden chairs, golden table goldrn knives and falks , golden spoons and a golden table cloth.
Theh golden maids came in and asked if they would like cerial or poridge for breakfast , while the men talked about how plush the place was.
The first man asked for poridge , as did the second third and forth , the fith asked for cerial.
and ladies and gentialmen this proves that 4 in 5 men prefur poridge!
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| Posted by Sabri Al-Safi on 11-Aug-2005 | No Tie - Oh WellTwo guys decide to go to a newer restaurant they had been hearing good things about.
Upon being greeted at the front door they were promptly informed that they would not be allowed to enter since neither of them had a tie on.
While walking back to the car the driver remembers that there was a tie he had left in the trunk some time back.
He opens the trunk and sure enough - He finds the tie, his friend says - Well - what about me?
While the first guy is putting his tie on, He jokes to the other - why not just wrap those jumper cables around your neck - and for whatever reason the second guy agrees.
They walk back in and the host says: "Alright guys - your catching me in a good mood, I'll go ahead and seat you - but you listen good.
You two better not start nothin!"
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| Posted by katy m on 13-Aug-2005 | Microsoft WaiterPatron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
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| Posted by Dayna E. Bias on 11-Aug-2005 | Apple DiscussionA husband apple and a wife apple were having a discussion.
"Honey, you seem upset..." said the husband apple to his wife apple.
"Yes dear, I am." she replied.
"What is the matter?" he asked.
The wife apple would not say what the matter was and she kept hesitating.
Finally, the husband apple got very upset, and demanded to his wife apple, "You better tell me what is wrong! I want to get to the CORE of things!"
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| Posted by DeLio on 11-Aug-2005 | New Grocery Store HelperOne day, a little girl walked in to a grocery store. She asked someone at the grocery store, who coincedentally was new, if they had bacon. He said "I don't know, I don't know." So the little girl left. then the manager came and said to the new worker, "you don't say 'I don't know. I don't know. you say 'Yes we do. yes we do.'" the next day and old man walked in to the store. he asked, "Do you have any bacon?" and the same worker said "Yes we do. yes we do." then the old man asked, "How much is it?" and the worker said "I dont' know. i don't know." so the old man left. then the manager came back and said, "you don't say 'i don't know, i don't know.' you say '50 cents, 50 cents.'" the next day a teenage boy came to the store. he asked the worker, "do you have any bacon?" and the worker said "yes we do, yes we do." then the boy asked, "how much is it?" and the worker said "50 cents, 50 cents." then the boy asked, "Is it fresh?" and the worker said "I dont' know, i don't know." the boy left. then the manager came and said "You don't say 'i don't know, i don't know.' you say 'very very fresh, very very fresh.'" the next day a young woman walked into the store. she asked the worker, "do you have bacon?" and the worker said "Yes we do, yes we do." then she asked "How much is it?" and the worker said "50 cents, 50 cents." then the woman asked "is it fresh?" and the worker said "very very fresh, very very fresh." then the lady asked "is it on sale?" and the worker said "i don't know, i don't know." so the lady left. the manager came and said, "you don't say 'i don't know, i don't know,' you say 'not today, maybe tomorrow.'" the next day two criminals came. they asked "do you have money?" and the worker said "yes we do, yes we do." then the criminals asked "how much?" and the worker said "50 cents, 50 cents." then one of the criminals asked, "are you being fresh with me?" and the worker said "very very fresh, very very fresh." then the criminals asked, "can we kill you?" and the worker said "not today, maybe tomorrow."
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| Posted by Super Man on 11-Aug-2005 | Hot MealTwo hobo's are walking down railroad tracks, haven't eaten in a couple days, and are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the tracks, is a dead buzzard....maggots crawling all over the badly decomposed bird...green flies swarming the stinking mass. Stopping to stare at the smelly thing, one hobo says, "Let's eat this bastard." The other hobo says, "Naw, I'm gonna wait and have a HOT meal." The first hobo replies, "Well, I'm too damned hungry to wait, I'm eatin' this fuckin' buzzard". The second hobo says, "Suit yourself, but I ain't waitin' on you", and starts down the tracks again. Ravenously, the first hobo begins stuffing the rotton bird into his mouth. After licking the last maggot from his lips, he looks down the tracks and sees his buddy....by now about a mile away... and takes off running to catch up. After running 10 minutes in the hot August sun, the hobo catches up to his buddy.....sweating...panting....stomach churning from the rotten buzzard he'd just eaten. Suddenly he begins to puke....every bit of the rotten buzzard is now laying in a putrid mass on the tracks. The second hobo smiles at the first hobo and says, "See?? I told you I was gonna wait for a HOT meal".
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| Posted by Nutter Pupper on 11-Aug-2005 | The newest vitaminThe newest vitamin is made from chicken soup. It makes men cocky and
women lay better.
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| Posted by phillip on 11-Aug-2005 | Spanish delicacyOne day an american guy visits spain.after watching an exciting bull fight,he goes into a restaurant for dinner.while he waits for his meal, a waitor walks by with a steaming plate of food. the american guy asks the waitor what it is. the waitor relpies that it is bulls testicles from thefight. wlling to try anything once, the american orders one for the next day......
the next afternoon, the american walks into the restaurant and sits down to his meal. when he sees the waitor, hetells him they are delicious, but why are they so much smaller than the ones yesterday? then the waitor tells him, sometimes the bull wins!
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| Posted by Krystal on 11-Aug-2005 | CakeThe corner shop baker was a true artist when it came to making birthday cakes. One customer asked him "can you make a birthday cake for my wife, she's an optician?" He agreed and produced a birthday cake in the perfect detail of a winking eye.
His next customer said " can you make a birthday cake for my husband, he's a dentist." He agreed and produced a cake in the shape of an open mouth, including the teeth and tongue.
At that moment another customer began to leave his shop, when the baker asked "can I help you?" The lady turned and said"no, I don't think so,it's my husband birthday today, but he's a gynaecologist".
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| Posted by Kate Sugar Gal on 11-Aug-2005 | Matrimonial MelonsQ: Why couldn't the two melons run away to get married?
A: Because they cantelope.
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| Posted by Tiger_Lily on 11-Aug-2005 | Ode To PukeWith apologies to Mr Poe
As I kneel, head bowed, puking,
as I choke and snort my sputum
croaking, coughing, retching, groaning,
on the bathroom floor,
I think, though brain is dizzy,
things I've never thought before
Things I've missed, though often spewing,
or somehow managed to ignore
While I lie bedraggled,
on the stinking cold hard floor.
Now with head a-throbbing,
o'er the great white bowl I'm bobbing,
Bobbing, throbbing, weaving, chucking,
surely there can be no more?
No more vomit I lay praying,
Jesus! save me now, and seal my maw
And send a team of maidens
to mop this stinking cold hard floor
And if you do, I promise,
on my honour, Nevermore!
But lo! my gut's ill-fated,
and my heaves are unabated,
And now my thoughts turn back
to whence they were before,
As I'm squirming, smacking, flopping,
like a spastic being ignored.
And no maidens do I hear,
not one wet-wipe does appear,
Nought but dread convulsions
on the stinking cold hard floor.
Tis curious, I wonder,
as I purge more sauce-filled chunder,
How the saucy slick of chunder,
appears, oh what a wonder!
As a likeness of myself
such as I've never seen before
As a likeness of myself,
writhing on the cold hard floor
And the likeness set me thinking,
how my doping, not my drinking,
could result in such a stinking,
stinking on the cold hard floor.
And two things I did conclude,
"Thank you, torrid interlude!"
And thank you Gods, all praise to you,
for there's truth in floating spew.
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| Posted by roadrunr on 11-Aug-2005 | Patato'sQ:There are two patato's sitting on the cornerof a street, how can you tell which ones the prositute?
A: the one with the sticker on it that says IDAHO!
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| Posted by Betsy on 11-Aug-2005 | Ode To BeanThere was a young girl named Maxine
Who found a new use for the bean.
As a vaginal bearing
She found it long-wearing,
And it varied her fucking routine.
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| Posted by Farzad F. Rad on 11-Aug-2005 | Tea Anyone?Their once was a Princess who fell in love with an indian, but still wasn't happy because he had accomplished nothing in his life. One day in the paper the princess read of an herbal tea drinking contest. Suprisingly the in Indian was very good at this and decided to enter. The contest began and soon it was down to the indian and another man,they both drank 32 gallons of tea. Finally after 34 gallons the other man dropped out and the indian won, by drinking 35 gallons of herbal tea. After celebrating, the indian went to sleep with the trophy in his hands and....that night he drowned in his teapee!
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