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| Posted by Philippe Ballerstedt on 10-Aug-2005 | A hack golferA hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all
day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm
going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head
down that long."
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| Posted by Kurht R. Engle on 10-Aug-2005 | Umpires OnlyMy friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But
imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors
Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally
located a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only."
As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below
the printed legend was the same message ... written in Braille.
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| Posted by lafonda on 10-Aug-2005 | I got here in TWOGeorge looks like golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first
drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using
an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes
him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a
golfer. Are you any good?"
George replies, "Absolutely.... I got here in TWO, didn't I?"
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| Posted by David Baughman on 10-Aug-2005 | SKI SEASON TIPSSki season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you
go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots
carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for
your car. Sporadically drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice
and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
- Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at
high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are
in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and
you're following an 18 wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your
face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.
- Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
- Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the
real thing.
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| Posted by greb0 on 10-Aug-2005 | WINSTON CUPthree surgeons were arguing about who was the best surgeon.
the first said,???i reattached a severed arm on a man who went on to become one
of the best pitchers in the major league."
the second said,???i reattached a severed leg on a man who went on to become one
of the best place kickers in the nfl."
the third surgeon could not be out done. he said,???i once stitched a mustache
to an a****** and he went on to become a seven time winston cup champion!"
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| Posted by Poopfroggyman on 10-Aug-2005 | Dale EarnhardtDid you hear Dale Earnhardt was arrested for drugs?
They found everything but speed on him.
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