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| Posted by kaitlyn on 14-Aug-2005 | A New PetOnce upon a time a man was lonely and decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted an unusual pet. He then bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box. He took the box home and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to
have a drink. So he asked him:
"Would you like to go to Frank's Place and have a beer?"
No answer. This bothered him a bit So a few minutes later he
again asked him: "How about going to the bar and having a drink
with me?"
Again... no answer. He asked him one more time: "Hey, would you
like to go & have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time.
I'm just putting on my shoes."
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| Posted by Matt K on 14-Aug-2005 | Sex HogA farmer decided one day that he wanted to breed his prize-winning hog.
So, he put her in a cart and wheeled her to a farm five miles away, to
breed with a high class pig. He paid $20 for the stud fee, and after they
were done, brought his hog back to his farm.
The next day he went out to check and see if she was pregnant, but she was
not. So, he put her back in the cart and wheeled her to a farm that was
ten miles away, bred her with the pig there, who was said to be of higher
class than the first, and paid his $50 stud fee. Then brought the hog back
home.
But, when he checked the next day, she still was not pregnant! This time
he wheeled her to a farm that was twenty miles away, and was the home of
one of the best pigs in the county. He paid a $100 stud fee, and then
wheeled his hog all the way back home and went to bed.
In the morning the farmer was just too exhausted to get out of bed and go
see if his hog was finally pregnant, so he asked his wife to check for
him. The wife came back and told her husband, "Well, she ain't pregnant,
but she's in the cart and ready to go."
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| Posted by hello people on 14-Aug-2005 | Origin of PetsA newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided
the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me
every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and
it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you
that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my
love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see
me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may
be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love
you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it
was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was
pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said,
"Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I
cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a
reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved
him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was
content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came
to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride.
He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy
of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as
he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he
will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded
that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.
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| Posted by David McMorris on 14-Aug-2005 | To the top!A pheasant was standing in a field chatting with a bull. The
pheasant sighed, "I would love to be able to get to the top of
that tree over there, but I just haven't got the energy." "Well,
why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed
with nutrients." replied the bull. The pheasant pecked at a lump
of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to
reach the first branch of the tree! And the very next day, after
eating some more, he reached the second branch! And so on. And
finally, after just a few days, there he was proudly perched at
the top of the tree. Where upon, he was spotted by a farmer who
dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the
pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it
won't keep you there
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| Posted by Mike G. Strusz on 14-Aug-2005 | Life or Death?One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and
got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning
to starve. He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish
and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat
it. Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump not far from him,
so he picked up a stone to toss at it--hoping the bird would be
frightened and fly away WITHOUT the fish. But, weak as he was,
his aim was off and he hit the poor bird square on the head and
killed it! "Well," he thought to himself, "no sense letting it
go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could
save my life if I eat it." So, he built himself a little
fire--using a couple of stones--and cooked the eagle to eat.
While it was cooking a ranger stumbled upon the man, and when he
saw what he was up to, he immediately arrested him--because as
you know, that is quite illegal! The man told the ranger what
had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the
situation to a judge.
So, the day of his trial he told the judge, "Please Your Honor,
it was a life or death situation! I was lost and starving, and I
didn't mean to harm the bird--I only wanted the fish! And when I
accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn't see
any reason to let it go to waste!"
The judge listened to the man's story and deemed him, "Not
guilty, on the grounds of extenuating circumstances."
The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his
fairness. Then, the judge leaned over and quietly asked the man,
"Just between you and me, what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like
anyway??"
The man comtemplated this for a moment and then spoke, "Well,
it's kind of hard to explain... but, I would say somewhere
between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
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| Posted by greenmachine on 14-Aug-2005 | Never Went HuntingCity-boy Todd went to visit his friend Tom in the country. "You
look pale," Tom said. "You need some sun. Why don't you take my
rifle and my two Retrievers and go do some hunting?" Todd had
never hunted before, but decided to do as his friend suggested.
Fifteen minutes later, he was back. "That was fun!" Todd gushed.
"So why'd you come back?" Tom asked. "I need more dogs to hunt,"
Todd said.
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