|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Celebrities on 14-Aug-2005 | A Trip to the VetIf you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the
story below will have you laughing out LOUD!!!
My husband had to take my son's hampster to the vet. Here's
what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell my husband
there was "something wrong" with one of the two hampsters he
holds prisoner in his room.
"He's just lying there looking sick", he said. "I'm serious
Dad, can you help?"
He put his best hampster-healer expression on his face and
followed our son into his bedroom. One of the little rodents
was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. He immediately
knew what to do.
"Honey", he called, "come look at the hampster!"
"Oh my gosh!" I realized after a minute. "She's having babies!"
"What?" our son demanded. "but their names are Bert and Ernie,
Mom!"
My husband was euqally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I
thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce" He accused me.
"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" I
enquired. (being totally sarcastic)
"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" He reminded me (in
his best loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting his teeth)
"Yeah, Bert and Ernie" our son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know."
I informed him. (again with the sarcasm)
By now, the rest of the family had gathered to see what was
going on.
I shrugged, and decided to make the best of it.
"Kids, this is going to be a woundrous experience!" I
announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, GROSS!!!" They shrieked.
"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a
litter of tiny little hampster babies?" My husband wanted to
know. (Being totally snotty)
We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked
like a tiny foot appeared briefly, vanishing a scant second
later.
"We don't appear to be making much progress." My husband noted.
"It's breech!" I whispered, horrified.
"Do something, Dad!" our son urged.
"Okay, okay!" Squeamishly, he reached in and grabbed the foot
when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly pull, but it
vanished again with the same results.
"Should I call 911?" our eldest daughter wanted to know.
"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma."
"Let's get Ernie to the vet." My husband said grimly.
We drove to the vet with our son holding he cage in his lap.
"Breath, Ernie, breath," he urged.
"I don't think hampsters do Lamaze." I said to him. (I think my
husband thought I was being cruel to my own son, being cruel to
my husband was one thing, but to the one that I carried for 9
months is another. HE was wrong, I was just pointing out the
obvious!)
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little animal through a magnifying glass.
"What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" My husband suggested
very scientifically.
"Oh, very interresting," he murmured.
"Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a
moment?"
I gulped, nodding for our son to step out.
"Is Ernie going to make it?" I asked.
"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.
"This hamspter is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going
to happen...Ernie is a boy!"
"WHAT!?"
"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come
into maturity, like most male species, they
um.....er.....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his
back."
He blushed, glancing at me.
"Well, you know what I'm saying Mr. Cameron."
We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just excited?" I
offered.
"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence.
Then, I started to giggle, and then laugh and continue to laugh
loudly.
"What's so funny?" My husband demanded, while tears started
rolling down my face from laughing so hard.
"It's just....that...I'm picturing you pulling on
it's...it's...teeny little..." I gasped for more air to bellow
with laughter once more.
"That's enough!" He warned.
We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hampter
and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going
to be okay.
"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad." our
son told my husband.
"Oh, you have NO idea, son," I agreed, collapsing into laughter
once again.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by josh l. dowland on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 MonkeysWhy did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
It was stapled to the first monkey.
Why did the third Monkey fall out of the tree?
Peer pressure.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by BONES (READING) on 08-Aug-2005 | Chicken and the road thru history.Famous interpretations of "Why did the Chicken cross the road?"
Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please...
Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him down!
Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?
L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we'll find out.
Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what "they" call it: the "other side". Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!
Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?
Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!
ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?
Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?
Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.
Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by dan hoffman on 08-Aug-2005 | Saving the Oppossum!Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over an oppossum.
Knowing that mother oppossums often carry babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue down the road. The little oppossum is scared and squirming around like crazy so the wife asks her husband what she should do?
He thinks for a minute and says, " Well it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans, and put it in "there" it will calm down."
She exclaims, " I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies," Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by bob j. gates on 08-Aug-2005 | Rooster and Peanut ButterWhat do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Rougewisp on 08-Aug-2005 | Dog Named MypenisTired of boring old dog name like Ruff, Spot, Lassie, etc?
The next time you get a dog, name it: Mypenis
Why, you ask? Well just look at some of the great excuses you can use for school, work, and general conversation!
-I did do my homework but Mypenis ate it!
-Oh no, Mypenis is frothing at the mouth!
-Sorry I'm late. I was playing with Mypenis.
-I'm sorry officer, I didn't realize I had to keep Mypenis on a leash.
-Mypenis doesn't come when I call it.
-Mypenis likes to crawl between the legs of guests.
-If Mypenis begs at the dinner table, I just tell it to LAY DOWN!
-I love giving Mypenis a bath, but Mypenis doesn't like cold water.
-At night, I like to snuggle with Mypenis.
-Mypenis likes it when people pet him.
-Mypenis needs to get more exercise. He weighs over fifty pounds!
-Playing with Mypenis really wears me out.
-Would you like to see a picture of Mypenis?
-Sometimes I wake up, and Mypenis is already active.
-I think Mypenis has a mind of its own.
-I keep a picture of Mypenis in my wallet.
-Whenever I get lost, Mypenis points me in the right direction.
-I think Mypenis is getting old because he won't get excited anymore. He just plays dead.
-Mypenis got out last night. I think he's sleeping with the lady next door.
-HELP! Mypenis is lost...can you help me find him?
-Sorry to be driving slow officer, but I was looking for Mypenis.
-Sorry to be driving so fast, officer. I have to take Mypenis to the hospital.
-Mypenis got fleas from the neighbors dog.
-Anytime Mypenis gets too excited, I just scratch him behind the head.
-Please do not feed Mypenis table scraps!
-Do you think you could feed Mypenis while I'm on vacation?
-I have a cat that plays very well with Mypenis.
-When I take Mypenis for a ride in the car, I roll down the window so it can hang it's head out.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
