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| Posted by Thomas Flask on 13-Aug-2005 | A Vader ChristmasDarth Vader and Luke Skywalker face each other. With light sabers drawn about to commence an almighty battle of good over evil. Suddenly, in the middle of fight Vader pulls Skywalker to him and whispers: "I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS, LUKE. IT'S TRUE, LUKE, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING FOR CHRISTMAS!"
Skywalker tried to ignore this but couldn't in the end. He wrenched himself free and yells "How can you know this!?!"
Vader replied "I FELT YOUR PRESENTS..."
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid |
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| Posted by Leland W. Hack on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn't Like Your Kid - Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"
- Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
- Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling
- By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts
- Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
- Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the dork list
- Sends him off on one of them Carnival Cruises with Kathie Lee
- First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you."
- Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
- Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
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| Posted by Samantha Prahl on 14-Aug-2005 | Snow Shoveling DiaryDecember 8: 6:00 PM.
Hi. My wife and I just moved here from San Diego just this fall where I have lived since I was a 6-year-old kid. I was born in Toronto but we haven't been back since my childhood. I have fond memories of my early years, playing in the snow. Well guess what, this evening it started to snow. It's the first snow of the season. My beautiful wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. The light, fluffy translucent flakes shimmered in the glow of the streetlight as they floated down to earth. Millions of microscopic diamonds shimmered on the frozen streetscape. God, it looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic, we cuddled together under a blanket by the bay window while we toasted our love with a bottle of Dom. I swear she looked eighteen again in the soft light reflecting in from the snow surface. We felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a lovelier place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. I ran outside and immediately fell to my knees, giggling as the fluffy white clouds flew up around me. I giggled with the joy of a 3-year-old. It was like being a child again. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like reborn. Did both our driveway and the sidewalks and then in a display of community friendship, I hopped over to my neighbour Bob's house and did his driveway and walk too. Bob was so happy, he just couldn't stop smiling and waving as he cheered me on from his front window. When all was done I collapsed in a giggling exhausted heap on my front lawn. A snowflake landed on the end of my nose. Ah, this is great! This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. Aren't some times in your life simply magical!
December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor Bob tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I laughed and looked down as I demurely shook my head. Bob is a blue-collar guy you see and I just don't think these guys appreciate the inner beauty of nature. I replied that I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man though. I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14:
Snow, lovely snow! It started out as -8 last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so in the evening light. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. What a great way to condition your body, forget the gym! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15:
Jeez, 20 inches forecast. Getting serious now! Sold my Lexus and bought a Lincoln Navigator. Bought snow tires for the wife's Infiniti and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer and bought some Naphtha to power my Coleman stove. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. That's silly, she's been watching a little too much TV. We aren't in Siberia after all, are we?
December 16:
Ice storms this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Could barely move. Had to slither back to the house on my belly like a snake. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour. I think that was very cruel and told her so!
December 17:
Still way below freezing. More freezing rain coming. No way I'm going to lay salt down. Let the postman fall on his ass. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room!
December 20:
Finally, electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. Shoveled like a son-of-a-bitch. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. I smiled and waved at the driver as soon as I saw him coming down the street. I figured he would back the plow off a bit, reverse and clear a little more of the snow but the driver didn't seem to notice. In fact I swear the gum-chewing creep smiled at me as I stood there helplessly with my shovel watching the 5 foot wall of snow and ice thrown up on my driveway. Tried to find a neighbors kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. Well, I think they're lying! Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower. The guy laughed and told me they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think he's lying! Bob says I have to shovel or the city will come around, do it and bill me. I think he's lying!
December 22:
Woke up to the sound of a city bobcat plowing my sidewalk. Wow this is great I thought. Just as I was about to email the mayor with kudos, a knock came at the door. When I opened it a Works department man held out a citation for $250.00 for not shoveling my walk. If I don't pay the city will apply it to my taxes. I cursed to the heavens as I slammed the door on the scumbag. Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Remembered the scumbag from the city and immediately became motivated. Saw Bob outside tuning up his Dodge Ram Supercab Diesel 4x4 truck with the huge snow plow on the front. Tried to hire Bob for the rest of the winter. He says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying!
December 23:
Only 8 inches of snow fell today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...fu*$#( god*#$ nuts??? Why the hell didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I know she's damn well lying!
December 24:
Light fall of 6 inches. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, the shovel broke. Hacked away at the ice dam for 2 hours. Suddenly I collapsed on the ground with pains shooting through my arm and back. Thought I was having a heart attack. Doctor said I have pulled my back. Prescribed Tylenol IIIs and Demerol. Tossed and turned in the livingroom chair all night. Lying down on the bed is impossible. If I ever catch the grinning son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. The bastard hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling. When he sees me walking in he guns it down the street at a 100 miles an hour piling snow in the scoop knowing that when he turns the gentle curve in front of my house, it is all going to come off in front of my driveway. The bastard! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents. The woman must be fu*$^%!&g crazy. I keep looking out the window watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the fu&$#*&g slop tonight. Snowed in again. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! The snowplow driver destroyed my driveway but then had the nerve to stop and ask for a donation. What luck. I planted him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a stupid idiot. If I have to watch -It's a Wonderful Life- one more time I'm going to kick her ass out into the snow!.
December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves. She wants to go to the Boxing Day sales but is pissed cause she can't get the car out of the garage. "Why don't you clear the snow off the driveway so its clear like Bob's", she asks me. "Bobs got a fu#%& snow plow on his tank of a truck you slut" I scream back. Why the hell doesn't she get off of her ass and get outside shoveling. Lazy bitch!
December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes at the front of the house along the garage froze. Used a propane torch to heat the pipe up, ended up starting a fire in the insulation. Managed to barely put it out with my extinguisher but the fire department showed up, probably alerted by Bob. Over my protests they insisted on spraying it with their big fire hoses, told me it was for insurance purposes. The water damage destroyed my furnace. Everything in the basement froze after. The Gas Company tells me they can't get someone over until tomorrow. The temperature is still dropping in the house. I lifted the back lid off of the toilet and scooped up the last remnants of fresh water we'll have until the furnace is fixed. Didn't tell my bitchy wife where it came from as I poured her a glass to make sure it was all right!
December 28:
Warmed up to above -21. Still snowed in. Furnace had to be replaced as well as the water heater. The bill was over $4000.00. Had to put it on my Visa since the Bitch racked the Mastercard up over Christmas. The Bitch seems to be oblivious to all of this, constantly whining, "When is the heat coming back on?" "When is the driveway going to be cleared?" "Why can't you fix things instead of constantly watching TV, you're so useless!" The BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29:
10 more inches. That prick Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. I bet he wants to laugh at me as I flail around on the roof looking like a complete ass to the other neighbours. Probably fall twenty feet onto my ass. Ha! How dumb does he think I am?
December 30:
Roof caved in. Insurance Company called to tell me that they aren't paying the 15 grand for the repairs. It seems I didn't "mitigate" damages by breaking my ass shoveling the roof of my house. While I was on the phone a knock came on the door. Opened it to a Police officer. Immediately placed under arrest and taken to the station. Charged with assault for klunking the snowplow operator. It turns out the snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The Bitch came down to bail me out. I couldn't listen to her incessant bitching any more. Stopped the car, opened the door and kicked her out. The Bitch went home to her mother. Another 9 inches predicted.
December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. Such a beautiful glorious flame arcing to the night sky. No more shoveling! Bob's house caught too. Even better.
January 8:
Got a cell mate today. A big, mean looking con with a pink triangle tatooed on his bicep. Guard told me his name is Bubba and that we should take some time to get to know each other real well...Bubba smiled. I wonder what he means by that?
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II) |
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| Posted by Lauren L on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 Disclaimers Found on Toy Boxes (Part II)15> No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
14> For children ages 4-10, or really wasted adults.
13> Not to be confused with "Poke You Man" by Adult Inflatable Products, Ltd.
12> Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
11> Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.
10> Failure to fall immediately to your knees in gratitude and eternally thank parents for shelling out $400 and waiting in line behind a smelly woman from Jersey City for two hours to *get* your Sega Dreamcast -- especially when you've already got a Playstation and a box full of games that are now headed for the next garage sale -- may result in bodily injury.
9> Syringe and vaccine sold separately.
8> Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!
7> In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
6> Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
5> For eternal use only.
4> For best results, consume hard liquor prior to assembly.
3> Talk to your doctor before using Xenical Barbie. Xenical Barbie not intended for children less than 20% above their ideal weight. Discontinue use if oily leakage occurs.
2> Replacement blades and toes not included.
1> Warning: Although technically a game, Parcheesi sucks.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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| Posted by Rik Armstrong on 13-Aug-2005 | Angel on the Christmas Tree
Not long ago and not far away Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems every where... four of the elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule....then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit...
This stressed Santa even more...when he went to harness the reindeer he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where...more stress.
And then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards on the sleigh cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered all the toys...so, frustrated Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey...but he found that the elves had hit the liquor cupboard and there was nothing there to drink...and in his frustration he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor... he went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door ..he opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. And the angel said: Santa, where would you like to put this Christmas tree??
And that, my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree...
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| Posted by Grace Littlehales on 11-Aug-2005 | The Week Before Christmas...The Week Before Christmas
'Twas the week before Christmas and all through the school
Not a pupil was silent, no matter what rule.
The children were busy with paper and paste
The mess that they made with it couldn't be faced.
The teacher half frantic and almost in tears,
Had just settled down to work with her dears,
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter
up sprang the kids to see what was the matter!
Away to the door they all flew like a flash
The one who was leading went down with a crash.
Then what to their wondering eyes did appear
But a green Christmas tree! (To decorate I fear!)
When the teacher saw this, she almost grew sick.
She knew in a moment it must be Old Nick!
She ran to the door (all her efforts were vain)
But she shouted, and stamped, and she called them by name
''Now Tommy! Now Sandy, Now Judy and Harry!
Stop Billy! Stop Robert! Stop Donny and Sherry!
Now get to your places get away from the hall
Now get away! Get away! Get away all!
As leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
The pupils, pell mell, started scurrying by.
They ran to the blackboard and skipped down the aisle
Their faces were shining and each had a smile.
First came a basket of popcorn to string
-Then came the Christmas tree (menacing thing).
As the tree was brought in there arose a great shout
The pupils were merrily romping about.
The state they were in could lead to a riot
The teacher was sure, if allowed, they would try it.
Her nerves how they jangled! Her temples were throbbing!
The rush of her breath sounded almost like sobbing!
The lines of her face were as fixed as a mask
It was plain that she didn't feel up to her task.
The look in her eye would have tamed a wild steer,
But the children ignored it they did every year.
A tear from her eye and a shake of her head
Soon led me to think that she wished she were dead.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
Strung all the popcorn which broke with a jerk.
But at last it was finished and placed on the tree
Then came the bell and the children were free.
Their shrill little voices soon faded away
And peace was restored at the end of the day.
As she looked at the Christmas tree glistening and tall,
She smiled as she whispered, Merry Christmas to all!
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