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| Posted by Blah Blah on 13-Aug-2005 | A Visitor's Guide to Dallas, TX. . . life in America's fifth largest city.
1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.
2.Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.
3.All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.
4.The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."
5.The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
6.If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross, Pokolodi and Routh Street.
8.Construction on I-30 is a way of life and form of entertainment.
9.All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth!!"
10.If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
11.All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way.
12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd......
13.If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish.
14.Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.
15.A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
16.The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't ornamental.
17.Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right.
18.If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone... people are not waving when they go by.
19.The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR.
20.LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock Show is going on.
23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.
24.Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
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| Posted by Mark P. Wyner on 13-Aug-2005 | What Hallmark Doesn't Print:1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.
2. My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire, I noticed your cat. Sorry!
3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
4. You've announced that you're gay, won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
5. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.
6. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be. But don't fret about it, she moved in with me.
7. You totalled your car and can't remember why. Could it have been, that whole case of Bud Dry?
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| Posted by Daisy Girl on 13-Aug-2005 | 20 things we have learned from the movies1. During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
3. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people - whether they are employed or not.
6. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
7. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
8. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
9. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
10. Should you decide to defuse a bomb don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
11. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
12. Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.
13. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
14. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
15. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.
16. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
17. Radiation causes interesting mutations - not to your future children but to you, right there and then.
18. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
19. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
20. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
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| Posted by wraith on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 12 Things Overheard in the Year 2999
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
12> "Thank you for calling Epson. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately... one... thousand... years...."
11> "Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3."
10> "Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may turn a profit!"
9> "Chris White, you have been defrosted to stand judgement for the recently discovered document known as 'The Rejected Hurricane Name List'."
8> "I found it on the Galactinet -- I think it's a picture of how humans used to reproduce."
7> "Hi, I'm Dick Clark, here to count you down into the new millennium!"
6> "I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot."
5> "Okay, I'll go over it one more time: It doesn't really start until January 1, *3001* because..."
4> "Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again..."
3> "25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars."
2> "We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success."
1> "I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Microsoft..."
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| Posted by Father Baker on 13-Aug-2005 | Fun At the Drive-ThruStand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.
After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order- takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.
Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to).
When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.
Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.
Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please".
In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.
When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage & ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.
Drive through with a carload of naked people.
Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.
Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.
Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.
Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.
If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe".
All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.
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():top list jokes (540): The Top 16 Things Overheard on an Anthony Hopkins/Martha Stewart Date |
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| Posted by Snow Man on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things Overheard on an Anthony Hopkins/Martha Stewart Date16> "Oh, you meant you'd give me *a* head tonight? That's very different then, isn't it?"
15> "A census taker tried to survey me once. I made a lovely autumn floral swag out of his liver."
14> "Is that a femur in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
13> "Oh God, Tony, that's a *very* good thing!"
12> "Finger sandwiches, chopped liver, and a real bloody Mary. Now *that's* a good thing."
11> "Now this dessert I call 'Medulla Oblon-Gelato'."
10> "...and this muzzle of yours can double as a strainer for pasta or for intestines."
9> "Gnawing on the phalanges is permissible, but should always be accompanied by fingerbowls."
8> "Martha, so help me, if you use the word 'potpourri' as a verb one more time, I'll kill both of us with this butter knife!"
7> "Go for my sweetbreads if you dare, Liverlips -- I've got a glue gun and I'm not afraid to use it."
6> "No, dear, you eat spleen with *this* fork."
5> "Do that damned 'fth-fth-fth-fth-fth' thing one more time, and I'll gag you with this lovely handcrafted doily!"
4> "Put a doily under that liver, pig."
3> "Has the rack of lamb stopped screaming, Martha?"
2> "The lady will have the linguini with clam sauce, and I'll just eat off her face."
1> "Eat me!!"
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
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