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| Posted by kornyhiv ripper on 09-Aug-2005 | AccidentThere was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road.
The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control.
Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff.
They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.
The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution."
The engineer said, "No, that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."
The programmer said, "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Sarah Magruder on 09-Aug-2005 | Them TexansThe National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years.
The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Samuel P. Wilson on 09-Aug-2005 | Coffee & a blow jobIn a commercial flight, the captain announces that there is turbulence and that the passengers should buckle their seatbelts.
After the announcement, he turns to his co-pilot and says, "I sure could use a nice cup of coffee and a blow-job right about now," not realizing that the intercom is still on.
A stewardess dashes up the aisle to tell him that the intercom was on.
Just before she reaches the doorway, a guy in back yells, "Hey babe, don't forget the coffee!"
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Mel S on 09-Aug-2005 | Fiddle fartA nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.
She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down.
From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again."
Back to the machine, she put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind.
Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.
It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!"
Submitted by Curtis
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| Posted by Nancy P. Lynam on 09-Aug-2005 | Truckers in heavenThree truckdrivers died and went to heaven where they met St. Peter at the gates.
St. Peter says, "I have to ask each of you three simple questions before you can enter the gates to paradise."
So he calls the first driver over and asks his questions. "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"No."
"Have you ever done any dope?"
"No."
"Well have you ever screwed around with other women?"
"No."
St. Peter points to the left and says, "You stand by that door right over there."
He calls the second guy over and starts; "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"No, that'd be bad for my health."
"Have you ever done any drugs?"
"No sir, that'd be breaking the law."
"Well have you ever screwed around with any women?" "No way, that'd be breaking one of the ten commandments."
St. Peter says "Allright, stand by your buddy over there." and called the third truckdriver over.
He starts, "Have you ever drunk any hard liquor?"
"Well, I tried not to but I've always been an alcoholic."
"Well! Let me ask you this, Have you ever done any drugs?"
"Why hell yea, how do you think I stay awake to run 20 hours a day, you've got to roll to make the dough."
"Well," St. Peter asks "I've got to know, have you ever scewed around with any women?"
"Ooooooooooweeee; maaaan, there's this dame back in Baltimore that'll suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"
St. Peter pointed to the right and says "You stand by that door over there."
When the driver asks about the other two guys, St. Peter explains "Your buddies are going to hell; but we're going back to Baltimore!!!"
Edited by Calamjo
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| Posted by Kayne j. Ryan on 09-Aug-2005 | Parking SpaceThe old gent was backing his Rolls into the last available parking space when a zippy red sports car whipped in behind him to take the spot.
The young driver jumped out and said: "Sorry Pops, but you've got to be young and smart to do that."
The old man ignored the remark and kept reversing until the Rolls had crunched the sports car into a crumpled heap.
"Sorry son, you've got to be old and rich to do that!"
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