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The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
If you smoke after sex, your doing it too fast.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten.
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
Born free... taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A cat almost always blinks when hit in the head with a ball peen hammer.
There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Jesus may love you, but he won't respect you in the morning.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
If, a two letter word for futility
I don't care, I don't have to.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
All men are idiots ... I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
My kid had sex with your honor student.
Earth first...we'll mine the other planets later.
Give pizza chants.
Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way.
How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks!
If something goes without saying, LET IT!
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
IRS We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff, laziness pays off now.
Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks your an asshole.
Life's a buffet... so eat me!
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Missing your cat? Try looking under my tires.
I love cats ... dead ones
I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Spotted owl taste just like chicken.
Hang up and drive.
Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.
I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Tow-ers will be violated
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.
Lord save me from your followers.
Meat is yummy!
Mean people rule!
Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
Born again pagan.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
So many recipes, so few cats.
Cats... the other white meat.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
There's too much youth, how about a fountain of smart.
Save a mouse... Eat pussy!
P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
I love animals...they're delicious.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling to good myself.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Beam me up Scotty, there are no virgins left.
Beam me up Scotty, this planet sucks!
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I souport publik edekasion
hoket on foniks werked fur me
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

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	():top list jokes (540): How to be Annoying

Posted by Ally on 13-Aug-2005

How to be Annoying

Adjust the tint on your tv so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way".
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
Set alarms for random times.
Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Rouse your roommates from slumber each morning with Lou Reed's "Metal Machine Music".
Leave someone's printer in compressed-italic-cyrillic-landscape mode.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Drive half a block.
Name your dog "Dog".
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern Drawl.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things, such as the time of day.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Change your name to Jane Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
Stare at static on the tv and claim you can see a "magic picture".
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

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	():top list jokes (540): Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

Posted by tinmil on 13-Aug-2005

Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Signs You're Dead

Posted by Star Shooter on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 14 Signs You're Dead

14> Goth chicks are diggin' your look.

13> "Weekend at Bernie's" just isn't as funny as it used to be.

12> Only necrophiliacs answer your personal ad.

11> A federal agent is prying your gun from your cold hands.

10> Last thing you remember is beaming down to that planet in your red security uniform.

9> An announcer screams, "The Cubs win the World Series!"

8> Haley Joel Osment has been following you all day saying, "I see... you."

7> You're the rankest smelling thing in a Parisian cheese shop.

6> You have a vague recollection of saying, "Watch this! I saw it on 'Jackass'!"

5> Your entrepreneurial son opens you up as a bait shop.

4> Overwhelming desire to feast on the flesh of the living. (Also a sign you may be Don King.)

3> You're one of the *thin* Kennedys.

2> Anna Nicole Smith is hugging, crying, and kissing you as never before.

1> Album sales up 35%!

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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	():top list jokes (540): The Top 14 Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked

Posted by Ryan D. Bloom on 13-Aug-2005

The Top 14 Questions You'd Rather Not Be Asked

14> "You were, uh, *born* a man, right?"

13> "Are you going to tell me the secret code, or am I going to have to assume you're an alien and blast you?"

12> "You and your wife were never very big on that 'exclusive' thing, right?"

11> "Where were you on the night Ms. Tripp was impregnated?"

10> "Can you help me carry this across the street? It's not very infected, just a little slippery."

9> "...and do you take this man, Orenthal James Simpson, to be your lawfully-wedded husband?"

8> "Daddy, can you tell if this pus is coming from my labia tattoo or my labia piercing?"

7> "Well, if that's not your prostate, what is it?"

6> "When did you decide to invest all your lottery winnings in Pets.com?"

5> "What made you think I was a doctor?"

4> "Weren't you wearing a condom earlier?"

3> "So, boss... does your coffee taste funny this morning?"

2> "Mr. Secretary, did the President tell the Chinese Ambassador we are maintaining a 'preventory' nuclear presence in the China Sea or a 'pre-emptory' nuclear presence?"

1> "Blindfold?"

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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	():top list jokes (540): 16 Steps to Build a Campfire

Posted by Michael Jackson jokes on 13-Aug-2005

16 Steps to Build a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

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