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| Posted by Hott Momma! on 14-Aug-2005 | Actual DirectionsThese are actual directions found on certain products around the
world!
1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
"You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details
inside!"
you think to your self (Shoplifters special)
2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
"Do not turn upsode down"
(Too late)
3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
"Product will be hot after heating"
(Just as day follows night)
4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
"Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY"
(As opposed to what now?)
5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
"WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!"
(Talk about your news flash)
6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
"Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts."
You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)
7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
"Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or
genitals!!"
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)
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| Posted by Jose on 14-Aug-2005 | Mental InstitutionJon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest, picking 2 of the best patients and giving them two questions. If
they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood
that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly.
The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"
Jon said, "I'd be half blind."
That's correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?"
"I'd be completely blind."
The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned
the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the
answers.
Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked,
"What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "I'd be half blind."
The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if I
cut off both your ears?"
"I'd be completely blind."
"Dan, how can you explain that you'd be blind?"
"My hat would fall over my eyes."
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| Posted by Joe Skager on 14-Aug-2005 | Sign LanguageA construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a
handsaw. He sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to
him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.
To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye
meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his
hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants,
and starts masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry
he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the fuck is wrong
with you, dumb ass? I said I need a handsaw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you
I'm coming."
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| Posted by Raleigh Upshur on 14-Aug-2005 | Blind ManA blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter,
who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a
menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind, and can't read the menu. Just
bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I'll smell it
and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile
and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table
and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and
takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf
and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the
kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells
her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and
leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner
mistakingly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the
blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty
fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the
blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That
smells great, I'll take the Macarroni and chesse with broccoli.
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind
man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next
time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him
coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub
this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind
man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.
"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already
have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and
says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
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| Posted by WestRunner on 14-Aug-2005 | Hard DrinkersA Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of
drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll
give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of
Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's
offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still
good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking
them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me
askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see
if I could do it first".
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| Posted by Daniel L. Alston on 14-Aug-2005 | Dumb Messages and Warnings"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a
bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the
styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides
of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume
were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of
sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal
barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a
chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch
inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield
(for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In small print at the bottom of the
screen during a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless
phone.
---------------------------------------------------
Signs and Notices:
"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at a bus stop.
---------------------------------------------------
Safety Procedures:
"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly
renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill
quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
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