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| Posted by The Gekko on 12-Aug-2005 | Actual product instructions.ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
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| Posted by josh d. junod on 12-Aug-2005 | Pillsbury Doughboy Dead at 71!Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection.
He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California
Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.
The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who "never knew how much
he was kneaded".
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a
roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife -- they have two children and one in
the oven.
The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.
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| Posted by nuttybird88 on 12-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Reasons...John GlennTop 10 Reasons No One Wants to go into Space with John Glenn again:
10. The horror of seeing the effects of G-Forces on wrinkles.
9. Kept using the Hubble to find his glasses.
8. Everytime he sneezed, his teeth flew out.
7. Forgot where he was each morning, kept grabbing for Scott while calling
him "Annie".
6. Constantly complaining about being "Stiff all over" while eyeing
Chiaki.
5. Couldn't get him to stop doing the "Viagra" experiment.
4. When warned, "There's a Meteor Shower ahead", he thought they said,
"Shower cause he'd peed the bed".
3. Couldn't seem to ever attach his urinal bag properly.
2. There's a real good reason why we call old men "Old Farts".
1. The Prunetang worked, but the Depends didn't.
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| Posted by Jessica C on 12-Aug-2005 | Your FuneralThere were three men sitting on a bench. Man1 asked the other two:
"What do you want your family and friends to say at your funeral?".
Man2 says, "I guess I'd want them to say I was a nice guy and I took care of my family".
Man3 says, "I'd want them to say things like that too".
Man1 said "Really? I'd want them to say... LOOK! HE'S MOVING!".
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| Posted by Herman F. Aquino on 12-Aug-2005 | What do you call a boomerang...Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick!
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| Posted by Paula L. Forza on 12-Aug-2005 | Sex drive is too high.A feeble old man is in his doctor's office having a check-up. The doctor finishes the check-up says to the man, "So, you seem in fine health. Any problems?"
"Yes, Doc," the old man slowly responded. "My sex drive is too high and I need it lowered."
This took the doctor quite by surprise. "You're 84 years old, and you're in fine health for a man of your age, and I know men half your age who would kill for a problem like that. So, why are you complaining?
"Well," the old man said, "I see all these sexy nurses at the home, and when I go for a walk, I see all these cute honeys all around, so that's why I'm here, Doc. I want my sex drive lowered."
Still confused, the doctor said, "I would think that at your age, you wouldn't complain about a high sex drive."
"Doc," the old man said, "You don't understand. I need my sex drive lowered from here," pointing to his head, "to here," pointing to between his legs.
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