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| Posted by luvtalaf alot on 12-Aug-2005 | African SafariA man goes to Africa on a safari. While there, he comes upon an
elephant in great pain, with a giant thorn in its foot. The man
very carefully approaches the elephant, and gingerly removes the
thorn from its foot. The elephant begins to walk away, then turns
and stares at the man for a full minute, locking eyes with him.
The elephant then continues on its way.
\"I wonder if I ever see that elephant again if it will remember
me?\" the man muses to himself.
It is a few years later, and the man is at a circus back in the
States.
He notices that one of the elephants keeps looking at him, almost
like it KNOWS him. The man wonders, \"Could this be that elephant
I helped so long ago?\"
He decides to get a closer look. With the elephant still giving
him the staredown, the man moves in closer, getting right up in
front of the elephant. They lock eyes. A knowing look seems to
cross the elephant\'s face. It reaches down... picks the man up
carefully with its trunk... lifts him high in the air...
throws him crashing to the ground and stomps him to death!
Turns out it wasn\'t that elephant.
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| Posted by Dan K on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog BathLittle Johnny walked into a grocery store and selected a large
box of laundry detergent and took it to the counter. The clerk
said, "You must have a large load of clothes to wash." "Oh no,"
said Johnny, "I'm going to give my dog a bath." "I don't think
that is the right soap to use to bathe your dog," said the
clerk. "It'll do," said Johnny, as he paid the clerk and walked
out.
A few days later Johnny goes back to the store to buy some
candy. "How's your dog?" the clerk asked. "He died", said
Johnny. "I told you that soap wasn't right for your dog,"
replied the clerk. "The soap was fine," said Johnny, "but I
think the spin cycle killed him."
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| Posted by Boogyman J. Boogster on 13-Aug-2005 | Trapping BearsHow do you trap a bear?
You dig a hole ten feet deep and ten feet wide.
You fill the hole with ashes.
Then you put peas around the hole.
When the bear comes to eat the peas you kick him in the ash hole.
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1 people have rated this joke: |
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| Posted by basketballgal on 08-Aug-2005 | LIZARDSA LIZARD CAN JUMP UP AND YOU
WOULD NOT OF NOTICED UNTIL YOU CAME BACK FROM THE SKY.
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| Posted by Emily M on 13-Aug-2005 | Shag your sheepA researcher is conducting a survey into sheep shagging. First of all he visits a Cornish farmer. ''So, Cornish farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''
''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boot and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.''
''That's very interesting,'' replies the researcher and he leaves the Cornish farmer. Then he meets a Midlands Farmer. ''So, Midlands farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''
''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over a wall.''
''That's very interesting,'' replies the researcher. ''That's how they do it in Cornwall too.'' And he leaves the Midlands farmer. Then he meets a farmer from Abergaveny. ''So, Abergaveny farmer, how do you shag your sheep?''
''Well, I take the hind legs of the sheep and put them down my wellie boots and take the front legs of the sheep and put them over my shoulders.''
''Over your shoulders?'' replies the researcher. ''Don't you put them over a wall like everyone else?''
''What?'' says the farmer. ''And miss out on all the kissing?!''
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| Posted by Dezaray Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Hippo loveQ: Why do hippoes only mate under water.
A: Have you ever tried keeping a 5 houndred pond pussy wet.
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| Posted by Lindy Meyer on 14-Aug-2005 | Car ProblemsA man's car breaks down right in front of a farm and he's trying
to fix it when he hears a voice coming behind him, "You have
water in the gas tank." The man turns around and all he sees is
a cow from the farm.
He goes back to his car and again the same voice says, "You have
water in the gas tank." The man turns around again and he sees
the cow but this time the voice came again but it's from the
cow, "You have water in the gas tank."
The man is shocked so he knocks on the door of the farmer's
house. When the farmer answers the door the man says, "The cow
talked to me and said I had water in my gas tank. He can talk?"
The farmer replied, "Ignore him, the cow doesn't know a thing
about cars."
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| Posted by Box Social on 14-Aug-2005 | chet the birdOne day a man went to a pet store to buy his wife a christmas
present. "Can i help you?" said the pet salesman. "yes I'm
looking for a bird for my wife for Christmas. She love birds."
"I suggest this one sir, his name is chet when you stick a
lighter to his right foot he sings." so the man stuck a lighter
under chets right foot. He started to sing "Jingle bells jingle
bells, jingle all the way..." When you stick a lighter under his
left for he sings a different song. So the man stuck a lighter
under chets left foot and he sang "Deck the hall with bows of
holly..." Wow said the man I'll take him. Christmas came around
and the man gave chet to his wife. She listened to him sing
jingle bells and deck the halls. "Hun, I love him," she said.
"But what happens when you put the lghter between both feet?" "I
dont know lets find out." So they stuck the lighter between both
of his feet and he sang "Chets nuts roasting on an open fire..."
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| Posted by Mr Leafy on 14-Aug-2005 | Shark!!!A man stranded on an island builds a raft to try to escape to
another island where people may be living hopeing to get help
back to the America. The man was terribly afraid of sharks so
upon approaching another island, he spots a man and calls out to
him, "are there any sharks in the water?" the second man calls
back "no".
The first man then proceeds to leap into the water so as to swim
ashore, halfway there he yells out to the man on the
island..."why arn't there any sharks in the water?"
The man replys, "Because the alligators ate them."
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| Posted by Gothic Bitch on 14-Aug-2005 | the english cat and the french catthere was an english cat called one two three and there was a
french cat called un don twa
any way they decided to hav a race across the english channel
the one two three cat made it but the un don twa cat sank
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| Posted by Michael Pothitos on 14-Aug-2005 | AnimalsOne day a boy was getting ready for school. He fell asleep in
his uniform and his pet cat pissed on him. He couldn't change
his shirt because his mom told him to go. As he was walking to
school a squirrel jumped on him and left red stuff on his back.
Then in crawled in his pants and bit his nuts off.Then it ran
away with his nuts. Then he picked up a slug and it pooped on
him. Everyone found out he got raped by a squirrel. And it had a
period on him. And after school a dog pooped on his shoe.
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| Posted by Joe Skager on 14-Aug-2005 | The ParrotA lady was waiting for a plumber to arrive to fix her sink. She
figured she had a couple minutes before he came so she ran out
to do an errand. As soon as she left the plumber showed up. The
plumber rang the doorbell.
"Who is it?" said the lady's parrot ("Who is it" was the only
phrase it ever learned)
"It's the plumber" shouted the plumber.
"Who is it?" repeated the parrot
"It's the plumber" the plumber said a little louder.
"Who is it?" said the parrot.
"IT"S THE PLUMBER!" screamed the plumber.
"Who is it?"
"IT'S THE !@#$%^&* PLUMBER!" said the plumber while jumping up
and down and screaming. Suddenly the plumber had a heart attack.
The lady finally showed up at her door to see the man laying
dead on her front porch.
"who is it" asked the lady.
And the parrot chimed in with, "It's the plumber!"
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| Posted by Kas D on 08-Aug-2005 | Energizer Bunny arrested!Did you hear?
The Energizer bunny has been arrested for Battery
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| Posted by Siemen on 08-Aug-2005 | Donald DuckDonald Duck walked into a drugstore & asked for a packet of condoms.
"Certainly, sir" said the lady behind the counter, "shall I put them on your bill?"
"NO WAY!" replied Donald Duck, "What do you think I am, a Dickhead?!"
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| Posted by Scott Me on 08-Aug-2005 | Clown fishQ: How does a clown fish get it`s stripes?
A: It spends time in jail.
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| Posted by Eddie P. Yeti on 10-Aug-2005 | Alabama FarmerWhat do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
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| Posted by Kurt M. Pluck on 10-Aug-2005 | Dog TrainDuring WW II an American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for
three months, when he was finally given a week of R & R. He caught a supply boat
to a supply base in the south of England, and then caught a train to London.
The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on
his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.
Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for
two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British
lady with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.
Could I please sit in that seat?
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| Posted by Matt Lackey on 10-Aug-2005 | Because it was dead.Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
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| Posted by Cola Kiss on 12-Aug-2005 | Q. WHAT DO YOU GIVE A SMALL ELF ???...Q. WHAT DO YOU GIVE A SMALL ELF ???
A. ELF RAISING FLOUR :D:D
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| Posted by Maira m on 13-Aug-2005 | Durty jokeWanna hear a durty joke?
"White horse fell in mud!"
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| Posted by Mark B. Cullen on 14-Aug-2005 | birdsthere were 2 birds sitting on a perch one said i smell fish if u
like it email me at sarahgascoigne@btinternet.com
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| Posted by Anashel k. Hall on 14-Aug-2005 | Wrong StrawAt a circus in a nearby town a man stood thoughtfully looking at
the camels. Then he picked up a straw, placed it on the camel's
back and waited. Nothing happed,"Wrong straw," he muttered and
walked away.
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| Posted by John Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | Stupide AssYou're mamma's so stupide that she sits on the
tv to watch the couch!!!!
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| Posted by Giselle DaSilva-Martins on 14-Aug-2005 | Unique RabbitQ: How do you catch a unigue Rabbit
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit
A: Tame way
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| Posted by Canadian seven seven eight on 14-Aug-2005 | Hamburger CowA hungry cow walked into a Butcher shop.
"Boy, Do I feel like a hamburger." he said.
"You should." said the Butcher with a evil grin.
and the cow was never seen again....
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| Posted by Betsy on 14-Aug-2005 | Angry piggy in the orchardThe angry piggy went to steal some cherries. It entered the
orchard and climbed a cherry tree and started to eat...
The ranger sees the angry piggy and shouts to it: "What the heck
are you doing up there?". The angry piggy answered: "I'm eating
apples!"
The ranger: "Don't try to foul me, you're up in a cherry tree!"
The angry piggy: "Yeah, but i brought apples with me from
home..."
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| Posted by Eric Skinner on 14-Aug-2005 | DogsWhy do dogs have fur coats?
So they don't fur-eeze!
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| Posted by Nina! on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 Penguins3 Penguins walk into a bar. The first one walks into the bar and
passes out. The second one walks into the bar and he, too,
passes out. The third one walks into the bar and after he passes
out a guy watching says, "Gee, I thought the third guy would
have ducked!"
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| Posted by David J. Nicholson on 14-Aug-2005 | intimate bunnysWhy cant you hear 2 rabbits making love?
cause they have cotton balls
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| Posted by david m. stwert on 14-Aug-2005 | The beachOne day at the beach there was this girl that did not have any
arms or legs and was crying.So that day this guy walks by her
and says is there anything wrong the girl says yes never been
kissed so he kissed her.The next day she was there crying again
so the guy walked by her and said is there something wrong the
gurl says yes never been huged
so the guy huged her.The next day he sees that girl crying so he
walks
by and says anything wrong the girl says yes never been fucked
so he picked her up and threw her in the water and said now
you're fucked.
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