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| Posted by Jim henswot on 14-Aug-2005 | After Christmas'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!"
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
"Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
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| Posted by beej-a on 14-Aug-2005 | The TwinsAlice's twin boys were exact opposites. Bill was an eternal optimist. No matter how dark the cloud, he always found a silver lining. Bob was a hopeless pessimist...always finding the negative no matter how good the situation.
Alice asked a psychiatrist what to do about Christmas. The doctor told her to buy all the toys she could for Bob, the pessimist; and to get nothing for Bill. In fact, he told her to wrap up some manure for Bill. Christmas morning, Dave and Alice came downstairs and found the twins by the tree.
She asked Bob what Santa had brought him. "A BB gun, but I'll probably hit someone in the eye and blind him. And a bicycle, but I'll probably get run over and be killed while riding it. And a computer, but I'll probably get carpal tunnel syndrome from too much typing. And an electric train, but I'll probably electrocute myself," said Bob.
Realizing it wasn't going well, Alice asked Bill what he got.
"I'm not sure!!" he replied excitedly. "I think I got a pony, but I haven't been able to find him yet."
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like |
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| Posted by Laughing Lisa on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Things to Say About a Christmas Gift You Don't Like10. Hey! There's a gift!
9. Well, well, well ...
8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
1. "I really don't deserve this."
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| Posted by Lindsay Drue Whitley on 14-Aug-2005 | Scaring the Cashiers at HalloweenIf you really want to scare the cashiers at your local supermarket for Halloween, go to the store and purchase a large bag of apples and a box of razor blades.
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():holiday jokes (333): Top 10 Resolutions you won't keep next year |
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| Posted by Joe Mom on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Resolutions you won't keep next year10. I will not buy magazines with AOL disks bound in just to get another 1.44MB disk..
9. I will stop sending email to my roommate.
8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own.
7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email.
6. When I subscribe to a newsgroup or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it.
5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind.
4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.*
3. I resolve to back up my new 1GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps...
2. I will spend less than one hour a day on the Net.
1. I won't try to get onto the Netscape ftp site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out.
0. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I won't reply "MS Tech Support."
-1. I will read the manual.
-2. I will think of a password other than "password."
-3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items.
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| Posted by Mark P. Wyner on 13-Aug-2005 | This year, I resolve to...1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less. Makes you think.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
6. Not date any of the Baywatch cast.
7. Spend more time at work, surfing with the blazing OC-12 line.
8. Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.
9. Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Not have eight children at once.
12. Get in a whole NEW rut!
13. Start being superstitious.
14. Personal goal: bring back disco.
15. Not wrestle with Jesse Ventura.
16. Not bet against the Minnesotta Vikings.
17. Buy an '83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
18. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.
19. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
20. Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.
21. Not eat cloned meat.
22. Create loose ends.
23. Get more toys.
24. Get further in debt.
25. Not believe Bill Clinton.
26. Break at least one traffic law.
27. Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
28. Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.
29. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.
30. Stay off the MIR space station.
31. Not worry that the Y2K bug will cause the end of the world.
32. Get wired with high-speed net connections at home.
33. Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.
34. Associate with even worse business clients.
35. Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.
36. Not take spaceship rides behind comets.
37. Not try to escape from a maximum security prison.
38. Wait around for opportunity.
39. Focus on the faults of others.
40. Mope about my faults.
41. Never make New Year's resolutions again.
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