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| Posted by W Wilkinson on 07-Aug-2005 | After I stopped by this company's booth at...After I stopped by this company's booth at the recent CD-ROM
conference, the following letter arrived here from a major CPU
manufacturer...
Dear Mr. Rubinsky:
Thank you for your [company name] literature order.
We are very sorry, but the following items that you have requested are
currently on backorder:
PRODUCT CODE DESCRIPTION EXPECTED ARRIVAL DATE
T217 Dear Customer Cover Letter FOUR WEEKS
Your order will be filled at the earliest possible date. In the
meantime, your patience in regard to this matter is greatly
appreciated.
Please feel free to call our Literature Distribution Center at
[800-number]. Our operators will be happy to help you place an order
for any additional literature, or refer you to your nearest [company
name] sales office to help you with any technical questions regarding
our products. If you call to check the status of your order, please
reference your order #[number].
Again, thank you for your order, and we hope to be of service to you in
the future.
Sincerely,
[empty space here]
[company name] Literature Distribution Center
Curiously, one week earlier I received the literature I had requested
-- without a cover letter.
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| Posted by Austin Garrison on 12-Aug-2005 | I Didn't Even Know!Three drunks were sitting at a bar.
The first one said... "I went in my daughter's room, looked in the drawer and found a pack of cigarettes."
He paused. "I didn't even know she smoked!"
The second drunk said... "I can beat that! I went into my daughters room, looked in the closet and found a case of beer. I didn't even know she drank!"
The first two looked at the third as he begin to speak..
"I can beat that! I went into my daughter's room and looked under her pillow. I found a pack of condoms!!!"
He paused...
"I didn't even know she had a penis!!!"
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| Posted by math jokes on 13-Aug-2005 | Dumb & Dumber Part 912,321,654.....Further evidence that if you try to make something 'Idiot Proof,' the universe will invent better idiots.... Herewith, some [more] evidence that the gene pool may need a little chlorine: ----------
Sign in a gas station: Coke -- 49 cents. Two for a dollar.
--------
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.
So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched. --------
Warning!
At a grocery store in San Jose, they have new credit card / bank card readers at the checkout stands. If you don't know how to orient your card to swipe it through the reader, the checkout person will say, 'Strip down, face toward me.' Editor's Note: Am I wrong, or is this just asking for trouble?
--------
A customer at a sub shop ordered 'a small soda.' The owner responded, 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't have small, just medium and large.' (Both cost 99 cents.) The kicker came when the customer, a rather well-dressed business type, disappointedly said, 'Okay, I guess I'll just have to have the medium then.'
--------
Idiots and Geography:
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, Really? Where is Monosyllabia?'
Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, 'Oh, you mean over by Croatia?' --------
Advice for Idiots: An actual tip from page 16 of the HP 'Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees.'
'Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.' --------
Idiots in the Neighborhood
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there. ------------
Idiots and Computers:
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question:
'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?' --------
Idiots Are Easy To Please
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed. ---------
Idiots In Food Services
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. --------
Idiots Do Math:
A co-worker was telling us about her sister who was coming to visit her for the holidays. Someone asked how old her sister was, at which she paused, thought for a bit, and then answered, 'She's half as old as I am, that's how I always remember.'
So someone else (okay, it was me) said, 'That's neat... So every year that you age, she only ages half a year?' My co-worker thought about that, and then said, 'Oh, yeah, I guess it only works on even years.'
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| Posted by dawn whispers on 07-Aug-2005 | There is no difference between theory and...There is no difference between theory and practice in theory, but there is
often a great deal of difference between theory and practice in practice.
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| Posted by barbara coleman on 07-Aug-2005 | Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you...Top 12 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon
Programmer
- "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
- "This machine is a piece of gagh! I need dual Pentium processors
if I am to do battle with this code!"
- "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in
the original Klingon."
- "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your
skull!"
- "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software
'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of
designers and quality assurance people in its wake."
- "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have
'arguments' - and they always win them."
- "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle
the weak."
- "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth
contest. They will not concern us again."
- "A true Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
- "By filing this bug report you have challenged the honor of my
family... Prepare to die!"
- "You question the worthiness of my code?
I should kill you where you stand!"
- "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it!
Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
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| Posted by ~SwEeT*HeArT~ on 07-Aug-2005 | It may very well bring about immortality,...It may very well bring about immortality,
but it will take forever to test it.
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| Posted by susieq on 13-Aug-2005 | Legal Q & A'sQuestions are asked by lawyers.
Answers are given by witnesses.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: Let me get this straight, Mrs. Clarkson. Despite the
fact that you had hired detectives to watch your
husband's every move, you yourself stood on that
corner every night, in all kinds of weather,
watching your husband and a woman enter the house,
seeing the lights go on downstairs, and then shortly
after that in an upstairs bedroom, and then some
minutes later turned out entirely. Why in the world
did you do it?
A: I just wanted to be near my husband.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A woman charged with adultery was grilled by the
opposing attorney.
Q: Young lady, just how do you justify your course of
conduct?
A: Well, Judge, I gave him all he wanted. I kept him
happy. I don't see why he should be concerned about
what I did with my leftovers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: Well, you're a pretty big man, aren't you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: How big would you say?
A: Oh, about eight inches.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: You don't know what it was, and you don't know what
it looked like, but can you describe it?
A: No.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: Did the defendant have an erection?
THE DEFENSE: Objection. Calls for expert medical opinion.
THE COURT: I don't think so.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ATTORNEY: (in the middle of a long cross-examination):
Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep.
THE COURT: Well, you put him to sleep. Now wake him up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ATTORNEY: And you can show us a copy of that oral
agreement?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Q: Do you have copies of those estimates?
A: I don't know.
Q: Do you have copies of the purchase orders?
A: I don't know.
Q: Do you know who would?
A: Do I know who would know? Yes.
Q: Who?
A: Me, if I knew.
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| Posted by Kitty Devil on 13-Aug-2005 | Ear thisThere was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.
So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?'
The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.' Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?'
The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any fucking ears!'
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| Posted by J C. B on 13-Aug-2005 | Doctor's dietA woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. ''I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.''
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. ''Why, that's amazing!'' the doctor said, ''Did you follow my instructions?''
The woman nodded. ''I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.''
''From hunger, you mean?''
''No, from skipping.''
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| Posted by Daniel Nunez on 12-Aug-2005 | Two PenguinsThere were two penguins in a bathtub. One penguin says Hey pass me the shampoo. The other penguin say What do i look like, a microwave.
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| Posted by Hansen H. Lieu on 12-Aug-2005 | The Apple Pie JokeThere are two talking apple pies in the oven... one says, boy it sure is hot in here!"
The other says, "OH MY GOD!! A TALKING APPLE PIE!!"
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| Posted by jalover on 13-Aug-2005 | Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his...Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A. Where is my tractor?
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| Posted by Sam J. Wasserman on 07-Aug-2005 | Entropy isn't what it used to be....Entropy isn't what it used to be.
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| Posted by Dan Stepansky on 07-Aug-2005 | What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?...What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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| Posted by Joe Skager on 12-Aug-2005 | Nice ParrotThere was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
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| Posted by Nickie M. Necsefr on 07-Aug-2005 | The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making...The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
11. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? Who's your Jedi Master?"
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| Posted by Tommy K. Barf on 13-Aug-2005 | SuperbowlA guy wins tickets to the Super Bowl in a charity raffle.
Best seats in the house... right on the 50 yard line and close to the field.
As the game starts, he notices the seat next to him is empty.
He comments to the man across the gap: 'this is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!'
The man replies, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967.'
'Well, that's really sad, but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?'
'No,' the man replies, 'They're all at the funeral.'
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| Posted by Charles W. Menge on 07-Aug-2005 | If a straight line fit is required, obtain...If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
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| Posted by Smith on 13-Aug-2005 | A really stupid frog jokeA teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and said that he found a frog. The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?"
The student replied, "It's dead."
The teacher then asked, "How do you know for sure?"
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So, it must be dead."
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| Posted by Bluey Dinosaur on 13-Aug-2005 | Ice creamAn abulance driver was driving through a street when he notices a small boy chasing him. He turned the corner the boy was still there so he decided to slow down and see what the boy wanted....He asked the boy if he was alright and the boy reply one ice cream please
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| Posted by Sarah Northington on 07-Aug-2005 | The top 6 reasons computers are female......The top 6 reasons computers are female...
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the
corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as
informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".
and the number one reason computers are female:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!
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| Posted by Smart Fool on 12-Aug-2005 | Window washersThere were 3 male windowwashers. One Mexican one American and one Polish. At lunch break one day the Mexican opened his lunch and got a burrito. He said,\"man if i get another burrito im gonna jump.\" The American said,\"if i get another bologna sandwich im gonna jump.\" The Polish guy said,\"if i get another sausage im gonna jump. The next day they all commited suicide. At their funerals the Mexican wife said,\" If only I would have known he didnt want another burrito i would have packed him something else.\" The Polish wife said,\" I would have packed my hubbie something else if i wouldve known.\" Then they turned and looked at the American wife. She said, \"what are u looking at me for, he packs his own lunches.\"
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| Posted by lafonda on 13-Aug-2005 | RetardQ:How do u get 5 retards into an ambulance??
A:2 in the front 2 in the back and the other on the top making the siren sound effects.
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| Posted by Dan Berkowitz on 07-Aug-2005 | Let's put this into sensible units - - like...Let's put this into sensible units - - like furlongs per fortnight.
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