Age...

• Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
• Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
• Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
• Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
• One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
• My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
• Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.
• God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
• There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks two sizes.
• It is bad to suppress laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
• Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
• Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
• Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

Signs You're Really Broke

• American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
• Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant.
• You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
• You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe.
• Long distance companies no longer call you to switch.
• Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%.
• You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.
• You receive care packages from Europe.
• Your bologna has no first name.
• You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
• You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.
• You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
• You give blood everyday - for the orange juice.
• McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
• Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No."
• The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets.

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