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| Posted by Lelana Smythe on 12-Aug-2005 | AgingGrowing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." **caution - leave air holes.
I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
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| Posted by Mandy O. on 12-Aug-2005 | Knit to FitAn old lady was knitting as she was driving down the highway.
A police officer drove alongside her car and yelled, "Pull over!"
The lady yelled back, "No - mittens!"
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| Posted by Lee Brooks on 12-Aug-2005 | On the BeachThere is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.
One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, "There is really no justice in the world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean by that?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that - When I was 20 - I was curious about it. When I was 30 - I enjoyed it. When I was 40 - I asked for it. When I was 50 - I paid for it. When I was 60 - I prayed for it. When I was 70 - I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat!"
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| Posted by Russell Kline on 12-Aug-2005 | God and Gay PeopleIf God had wanted people to be gay... he would've made Adam & Steve instead of Adam & Eve.
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| Posted by andrew leworthy on 12-Aug-2005 | Dairy QueenHow did Dairy Queen (U.S. restaurant) get Pregnant?
Burger King showed her it's Whopper.
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| Posted by Jake Russell on 12-Aug-2005 | Heavy metal guitaristQ: How do you get a heavy metal guitarist to stop playing guitar?
A: Put sheet music in from of him.
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