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| Posted by Tyler Reese on 09-Aug-2005 | Air TrafficControlThe controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a 360. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?" Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."
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PSA was following United, taxiing out for departure. PSA called the tower and said "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.
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A DC-10 had an exceedingly long landing rollout after landing with his approach speed just a little to high... San Jose Tower: "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the airport.
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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure... by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7... did you copy the report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff... and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
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| Posted by ness on 09-Aug-2005 | Fucking lightsWith the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated.
"Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.
The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
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| Posted by NaughtyPillow on 09-Aug-2005 | Black box firstThe pilot came across the intercom and said "Folks we are experiencing major difficulties and we need to prepare for a crash landing". Everyone began to panic. The flight attendant starting to check on the passengers. She walked by one lady putting on make-up and fixing her hair. He said "we are about to crash what are you doing?"
She replied "I heard that when the come to recover the passengers that they look for the prettiest one first".
She shook her head and kept walking. Across the way she noticed another passenger putting on all of her jewelry. She asked her what she doing.
She replied "I heard that they look for the wealthiest person first.
She kept walking and came to a black lady taking all of her clothes off.
She asked her what she was doing and she replied "I heard that when they come to rescue that they look for the black box first"!!
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| Posted by Derek K. Lewis on 09-Aug-2005 | Thumbs upA successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers, his driver's license number and his address but to no avail.
The cabbie said, "if you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab".
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab back to the airport.
Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line.
'How much for a ride to the airport?' he asked.
'Fifteen bucks,' came the reply.
'And how much for you to give me a blow job on the way?'
'What? Get the hell out of my cab you arsehole!'
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
'How much for a ride to the airport?'
The cabbie replied, 'Fifteen bucks.'
The businessman said 'OK' and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
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| Posted by Blake A. Cooper on 09-Aug-2005 | On Flight 167A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics.
He asks her about it and she replies,
'This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that Native Americans have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill, what's yours?'
He coolly replies, 'Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.'
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| Posted by ProudBreed on 09-Aug-2005 | Only when drunkA man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place...
Man: 'What's the problem officer?'
Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 50 zone.'
Man: 'No sir. I was going 65. '
Wife: 'Oh. Harry. You were going 80. '
The man gives the wife a dirty look.
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. '
Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'
Wife: 'Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.'
Man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for not wearing your seat belt.'
Man: 'Oh, I just look it off when you were walking up to the car'
Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.'
Man: 'Shut your big bloody mouth, OK!'
Officer: 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time.'
Wife: 'No, only when he's drunk.'
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