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| Posted by Nate Dawg on 13-Aug-2005 | Airline Attendants' WitticismsOccasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, A lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two or more small children, decide now which one you love more."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." "
Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. And the last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to Have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant Came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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| Posted by morgan bynum on 13-Aug-2005 | Expensive HotelA husband and wife are traveling by car from Atlanta to New York to. After
almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue,
and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a
room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't
worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man
insists on speaking to the
manager.
The manager listens to the man and then explains the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use. He also explains they could have taken in one of
the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New
York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform
here," explains the manager.
No matter what facility the manager mentions,
the man replies, "But we
didn't use it!" The manager is unmoved and eventually the man gives up and
agrees to pay. He
writes a check and gives it to the manager.
The manager is surprised when
he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for
$100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my
wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."
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| Posted by TommyGirl4 on 09-Aug-2005 | Touring South AfricaA tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South Africa, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.
"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.
Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.
"Easy", replies the guide, "the archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago"
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| Posted by Lauren R. Zachareas on 09-Aug-2005 | Run over the roosterA man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.
Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."
"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can go join the other chickens that are around the back."
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