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| Posted by Jake Russell on 09-Aug-2005 | Airline ShuffleDuring the "rush hour" at Houston's Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us.
After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, "We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time."
A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. "Sorry," he said, "wrong plane."
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| Posted by Jenna M. Glickman on 14-Aug-2005 | 30 Things to Do in a Car1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a
look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it
looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when
driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window
or sunroof. Feel free to make itdance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back,offer an angry look and an
obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them,
stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out
the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray to roadkill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow down...to a stop. Then get
out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
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| Posted by Robert Letch on 14-Aug-2005 | Currency ExchangeAn Asian Guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen
and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66.
He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady
says: "Fluctuations." The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming
the door, turns around and says: "Fuck you Americans too!"
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| Posted by Dreamer on 14-Aug-2005 | Bumper StickersJesus loves you.... Everyone else thinks you're an ass.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Hang up and drive!
GUYS, no shirt, no service, GALS, no shirt, no charge.
Heart attacks, God's revenge for eating his animal friends.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Try not to let your mind wonder, Its too small to be out by
itself.
The proctologist called, the found your head.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any
film.
Some people just don't know how to drive, I call these people,
"EVERYBODY BUT ME!"
Don't like my driving, Then quit watching me.
Just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Hows My Driving? 1-800-EAT-SHIT
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| Posted by Dante Cardella on 14-Aug-2005 | Natural EquipmentA couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband
liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the
husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that
morning and took a nap.
While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was
not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the
boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside
the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says,
"Reading my book."
The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area
and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied,
"But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and
write you up!"
Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady
told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."
The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't
even touch you."
To which the lady replied, "Yes,but you have all the
equipment!"
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| Posted by Steelers R. Awesome on 14-Aug-2005 | Wake me up...On a bus station, an old lady got into a bus and said to the driver,
"Sonny boy, I think I'm going to fall asleep during this long bus ride.
Can you wake me up when we get to New York?" The Driver replied, "Sure
thing." But later he forgot all about the old lady and only when he went 3
hours past New york he remembered that he had to wake her up. He felt
really sorry for the old lady so he decided to go all the way back to New
York and wake up the old lady and pretend like nothing happend. Even when
all the other passengers disagreed the driver didn't change his mind.
Finally when they got to New York. He woke up the old lady and the old
lady got up, looked inside her bag, took out a pill and ate it. Then she
said, "Thank you sonny boy! I always forget to take my medication in
time!" and went back to sleep again.
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