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| Posted by brandon issler on 09-Aug-2005 | Airplane FlasherAn exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."
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| Posted by afman on 09-Aug-2005 | Reflections on LifeLife's Reflections
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
4. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
5. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
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| Posted by Mathman2 on 09-Aug-2005 | SquirrelsA little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox.
The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox.
"Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."
"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in the process of making love?"
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| Posted by Horse's Heaven on 09-Aug-2005 | Chicken road thing!GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is
either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road I am now against it!
RALPH NADER:
The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted
by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled
habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the
wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
RUSH LIMBAUGH:
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was
getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody
out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with
crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this
can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their
tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money,
money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to
cross.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see
the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the
''other side'. That's what they call it the other side. Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
"the other side."
DR. SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody
told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX:
It was an historic inevitability.
CAPTAIN KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken had ever gone before.
SIGMUND FREUD:
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the
road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES:
I have just witnessed eChicken2003, which will not only cross roads,
but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your
checkbook.... and Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
THE BIBLE:
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken "THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD." And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
Submitted by yisman
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Elana on 09-Aug-2005 | Wrong diagnosisTwo young medical students were standing on a street corner observing people as they passed by, discussing any abnormalities they noticed in the passers-by.
They saw this old fellow sort of duck waddling down the street at a slow pace.
The two students introduced themselves to the gentleman and told him that they didn't agree with each other's diagnosis of the old man's problem.
One says, "My friend thinks you have a bad case of hemorrhoids, and I think you have a hernia."
The old man said, "I thought it was a fart, but from the feel of it, looks like we were all wrong!"
Submitted by Curtis
EDited by Dolly04
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| Posted by Smoker Wiedman on 09-Aug-2005 | We bulls wobbleThere was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck.
All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing.
The farmer noticing this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd.
The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
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