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| Posted by Mallory A. Sharon on 13-Aug-2005 | Andy Rooney QuotesAds In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes: My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it. Then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95/min. to say "I'm not in the mood."
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| Posted by Mike Nichols on 13-Aug-2005 | A few musings and bemusings:Utility companies tend to serve their clientele as regional monopolies. A similar system is used by drug gangs and Mafia families, but with better customer service.
Emphasis is not a substitute for reasoned argument -- Jesse Jackson, please take note.
Hunger is the best sauce -- but a nice curry comes close.
I do not look to rock musicians for moral and spiritual guidance for the same reason that I do not look to clergymen for three chords and a 4/4 beat.
The German government recently announced that, fifty-two years after the end of World War II, it would try to cut off pensions to Nazi war criminals. Boy, it's all in the timing, isn't it?
Dennis Rodman has said that he wants to play his last NBA game completely naked. I just hope he doesn't do much dribbling.
I did on one occasion commit free verse, but it was ruled justifiable and I was acquitted.
There is no right answer when a woman asks you "Do I look fat?" If you say "no" she will think that you are lying to spare her feelings, conclude she is fat, and hate you. If you say "yes" U.S. Marshals will find the bloody shreds of your body spread over three states. Feign death until she loses interest and wanders away.
New Yorkers deserve each other.
Many people have suggested to Ted Kennedy that he should be more like his brother John. In my opinion, Ted needs that like a hole in the head.
Who-Gives-A-Rat's-[CENSORED] Department: According to a Reuters news report, the airport at Ernesto Cortissoz, Columbia, was shut down for almost an hour on September 5th when a rat relieved itself on a high-power cable, causing a short circuit and countless air-travel delays. The rat has since received employment offers from several major airlines.
I am considering applying for employment with the IRS. Given the common perception of an adversarial relationship between the IRS and taxpaying public, it's always nice to be on the winning side.
Under heavy Senate questioning, an aide to vice-president Al Gore categorically denied that the veep's now-infamous visit to the Hsi Lai Temple was a fundraiser. Hearings were then recessed to allow the aide's nose to shrink back to its original size.
A small child is the most effective birth-control device known to man.
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():funny quotes (263): More predictions of life in the Year 2000 |
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| Posted by Ivy M. Oberlander on 13-Aug-2005 | More predictions of life in the Year 2000FOOD
By the year 2000, everybody will carry his little gaseous tablets, his little
ball of fatty matter.
-- M. Berthelot,
Strand magazine, 1901
By 2000, sawdust and wood pulp will be converted into sugary foods. Discarded table linen and rayon underwear will be bought by chemical factories and converted into candy.
? John Smith,
Science Digest, 1967
POLITICS
One can only smile at the thought of England and the United States planning for the year 2000. They will be lucky to survive until 1950.
-- Joseph Goebbels, Nazi propaganda
minister, 1941
ELVIS
By the year 2000, one out of three people will be Elvis impersonators.
-- Michael Sweet, The New York Times, 1991
HOUSEWORK
When the housewife of 2000 cleans house she simply turns the hose on everything. Why not? Furniture, rugs, draperies, unscratch- able floors - all are made of synthetic fabric or waterproof plastic. After the water has run down a drain in the middle of the floor, she turns on a blast of hot air and dries everything.
-- Waldemarr Kaempffert, Popular Mechanics, 1950
ROBOTS
We may wake up each morning to the patter of little feet -- robot feet.
-- Walter Cronkite, Life in 2001, 1967
CANNIBALS
I predict an outburst of cannibalism that will terrorize the population of one of the industrial cities in the state of Pennsylvania -- Pittsburgh!
-- Criswell, Criswell Predicts, 1968
SCHOOL
All the teacher will have to do to bring swift punishment will be to press a button and a current of electricity will shoot through the victim and make him think he is a human pin-cushion.
"Uncle Richard Tells of the Bad Boys of the Year 2000," The
Chicago Tribune, 1900
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():funny quotes (263): "A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't." |
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| Posted by Jennifer M. Talbot on 09-Aug-2005 | "A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't."Rhonda Hansome
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():funny quotes (263): "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car." |
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| Posted by Joanne Massoud on 09-Aug-2005 | "A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car."Carrie Snow
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():funny quotes (263): "Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, this |
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| Posted by Hector R. Cruz on 09-Aug-2005 | "Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be
thought half as good. Luckily, thisCharlotte Whitton
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