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| Posted by skitzo frenic on 14-Aug-2005 | Another Elevator JokeA man and a woman are in an elevator. As the doors close, the
woman takes off all of her clothes and says, "Make me fell like
a woman." Then the man smiles, takes off his clothes, and says
"Here, fold these."
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| Posted by dantheman on 14-Aug-2005 | 10 words that dont exist but should10 Words That Don't Exist, But Should
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a
dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then
putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of
confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it,
assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the
room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the
rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has
to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if
they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it
up, even when you're only six inches away.
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| Posted by Diana Shalmi on 14-Aug-2005 | Midget in a toiletStanding at a urinal, a man notices he's being watched by a
midget. Although the short man is staring at him intently, the
man doesn't feel uncomfortable until the midget drags a small
stepladder over to him, climbs it and proceeds to stare at the
mans balls at close range.
"Wow!" says the midget, "those are the nicest balls I've ever
seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget but starts to
walk away. But the dwarf stops him.
"Listen, I know this is a strange request, but can I touch your
balls?"
"Erm. I suppose theres no harm in it" says the man.
Quickly the midget reaches out and grabs the guys balls tightly
and shouts "Hand over the wallet or I jump...!"
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| Posted by bubbles_flower on 14-Aug-2005 | jokeThe Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They
were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by
themselves.The lad asked, "What is this, father?"The father
(having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what
it is."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an
old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between
them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his
father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.The walls
opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman
stepped out.The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go
get your mother."
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| Posted by Does it matter??? on 14-Aug-2005 | Think you know everything?Now you can know everything! just read...
*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
*The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
*There are more chickens than people in the world.
*Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
*The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
screeched."
*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament building is an American flag.
*All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on
4:20.
*No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver, or purple.
*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters
"mt".
*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln
*Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
*Almonds are a member of the peach family.
*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
*Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
*There are only four words in the English language which end in
"dous":
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
*Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina
de los Angeles de Porciuncula"
*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
*In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10
*Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
*The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a
Wonderful Life."
*A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
*It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
*The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
*In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
*The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
*Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
*The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
*There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
*"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the
left hand.
...now you know everything
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| Posted by Pat Kingsley on 14-Aug-2005 | Tickles for Your Funny Bone1. Women should not have children after 35. Really, 35 chilldren
are enough.
2. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling
alleys.
3. After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
4. I am a nobody,nobody is perfect,therefore I am perfect!
5. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been
giving me lately!
6. I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put up a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."
7. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come we see so many
dead rabbits on the highway?
8. How come we choose from just two people for president and 50
for Miss America?
9. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes,
and lottery tickets are alwyas complaining about being broke and
not feeling well?
10. On my first day of school my parents dropped my off at the
wrong nursery. There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.
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