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Anything worth having is worth cheating for....

Anything worth having is worth cheating for.

- W. C. Fields

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	():funny quotes (263): Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

Posted by jake hatesworth on 13-Aug-2005

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ''Where the heck is the ceiling?!''

12. My Reality Check, bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you they are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

6 people have rated this joke:

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	():funny quotes (263): Quotes II

Posted by Angel2 on 14-Aug-2005

Quotes II

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to
press on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving
to reach their level of incompetence.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The
corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to
drive!)

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
up. (Project Management at its best).

7 people have rated this joke:

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	():funny quotes (263): What Reading Can Do

Posted by Avidan Ackerson on 14-Aug-2005

What Reading Can Do

From Dilbert.

Reading is knowledge
Knowledge is power
Power corrupts
corrupton is a crime
crime doesn't pay
if you keep reading you'll go broke.

"It always seemed so harmless"

That's what librarians want you to think.

5 people have rated this joke:

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	():funny quotes (263): Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')

Posted by Star Shine on 13-Aug-2005

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')

Norm Peterson's Famous Quotes (from TV's 'Cheers')
--------------------------------------------------

'Can I draw you a beer, Norm ?'
'No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.'

'How's a beer sound, Norm?'
'I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.'

'What's shaking, Norm?'
'All four cheeks and a couple of chins.'

'What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?'
'Going Down?'

'What's new, Normie?'
'Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're
demanding beer.'

'What'll it be, Normie?'
'Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.'

'What would you say to a beer, Normie?'
'Daddy wuvs you.'

'What'd you like, Normie?'
'A reason to live. Give me another beer.'

'What'll you have, Normie?'
'Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a
glass of whatever comes out of that tap.'
'Looks like beer, Norm.'
'Call me Mister Lucky.'

'What'd you say, Norm?'
'Any cheap, tawdry thing that will get me a beer.'

'What would you say to a beer, Norm?'
'Hiya, sailor. New in town?'

(Coming in from the rain)
'Evening, everybody.'
Everybody: 'Norm!'
'Still pouring, Norm?'
'That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.'

'Whaddya say, Norm?'
'Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.'

'Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?'
'Like a baby treats a diaper.'

'Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.'

'How's life treating you?'
'It's not, Sammy, but you can.'

'What's the story, Mr. Peterson?'
'The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy
ending.'

'Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.'
'I know. If she calls, I'm not here.'

'Beer, Norm?'
'Have I gotten that predictable? Good.'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.''

'Hey Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?'
'Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'Another layer for the winter, Wood.'

'Whatcha up to, Norm?'
'My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.'

'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'Poor.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.'
'No, I mean pour.'

'How's life treating you Norm?'
'Like it caught me sleeping with its wife.'

'Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts.'

'What's going down, Normie?'
'My butt cheeks on that bar stool.'

'Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty.'

'How's it going, Mr. Peterson?'
'It's a dog eat dog world, Woody, and I'm wearing
Milk Bone underwear.'

'What's the story, Norm?'
'Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer.'

'How's about a beer, Norm?'
'That's that amber sudsy stuff, right?
I've heard good things about it!'

'What's going on, Mr. Peterson?'
'The question is 'what's going in, Mr. Peterson?'
A beer please, Woody.'

'Can I pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?'
'A little early isn't it, Woody?'
'For a beer?'
'No, for stupid questions.'

2 people have rated this joke:

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