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():funny quotes (263): Anything worth having is worth cheating for....

Posted by Black Dog on 07-Aug-2005

Anything worth having is worth cheating for....

Anything worth having is worth cheating for.

- W. C. Fields


5 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

Posted by jake hatesworth on 13-Aug-2005

Dilbert's Words of Wisdom

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow, isn't looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, ''Where the heck is the ceiling?!''

12. My Reality Check, bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.

15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like you they are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.


7 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): Quotes II

Posted by Angel2 on 14-Aug-2005

Quotes II

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to
press on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of
the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving
to reach their level of incompetence.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. (The
corollary is: You never learn to pray until your kids learn to

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch
up. (Project Management at its best).


7 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): Groucho Marx's Best Lines

Posted by Carla J. Hicks on 14-Aug-2005

Groucho Marx's Best Lines

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool
you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed
with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to
get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas
I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody
turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably
more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of
you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce
and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them
like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now,
uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment
when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too
dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.


7 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): Some more things to ponder

Posted by CuTiE BaBiE on 13-Aug-2005
Some more things to ponder
1. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

2. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zig-zag.

3. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

4. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

5. Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

6. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

7. If a person with multiple personalitis theatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

8. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

9. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

10. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

11. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

12. So what's the speed of dark?

13. After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

14. How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

15. Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

16. If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

17. I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

18. Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

19. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

21. Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

22. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

23. Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

24. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

25. If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

26. Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?


19 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): What Reading Can Do

Posted by Avidan Ackerson on 14-Aug-2005
What Reading Can Do
From Dilbert.

Reading is knowledge
Knowledge is power
Power corrupts
corrupton is a crime
crime doesn't pay
if you keep reading you'll go broke.

"It always seemed so harmless"

That's what librarians want you to think.


5 people have rated this joke:

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