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| Posted by demonslayer on 09-Aug-2005 | Bad Car DayA police officer pulled over a driver and informed him that, because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in a safety competition. ''What are you going to do with the prize money?'' the officer asked. The man responded, ''I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license.'' At that moment, his wife, who was seated next to him, chimed in, ''Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk.'' This woke up the guy in the back seat, who, when he saw the cop, blurted out, ''I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car.'' At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice asked ''Are we over the border yet?''
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| Posted by James M. Rogers on 09-Aug-2005 | Celtic MortalityWhat is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?
One less drunk.
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| Posted by Spinner_D on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunk at Your DoorA man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
"Aren't you going to answer that?"
says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up fromthe baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? Whatwould have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.
"He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?"
and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swingset.
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| Posted by sarah david on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunken Donut II: ThA cop pulls over a guy.
"Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?"
"Gee, officer," the man says.
"Your eyes are awfully glazed -- have you been eating doughnuts?"
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| Posted by Jeremy A. Bennett on 09-Aug-2005 | How Many Men to OpenHow many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to you!
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| Posted by ben kiesel on 09-Aug-2005 | Just A JuggaloA man is driving home, when is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys' car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
"Sir," the cop says.
"Why do you have all those knives?"
"They're for my juggling act," the man says.
"I don't believe you," says the cop.
"Prove it."
So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
"Man," says the first guy.
"I'm glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard."
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