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| Posted by aurie whatsyourproblem on 09-Aug-2005 | Bad DriversThere's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''
Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
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| Posted by William C. Herbert on 14-Aug-2005 | Things I Learned from ChildrenIf you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough
to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman
cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by
20-foot room.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too
late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year
old man says they can only do it in the movies.
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does
not leak--it explodes.
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4
inches deep.
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
Super glue is forever.
McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk
on water.
Pool filters do not like Jello.
VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
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| Posted by Tiki Tiki Bird on 14-Aug-2005 | 3 GUYS DIE3 Guys die one likes to have mad sex, one likes to eat like
crazy, and the last guy likes to smoke weed. God says that to
teach them a leson about there life he locks them in room with
there favourite things for 100 years each. The guy who likes to
have sex is locked in room with a ton of sexy woman, the fat
eating machine is locked in a room with tons of food, and the
guy who likes to smoke weed is locked in a room with tons of
weed. After 100 years he lets out the guy who like have sex says
"the woman got dry after a while I never ever want to have sex
again". Then God lets out the guy who eats like a machine when
he let him out he said "I the fatest bastard you've ever seen I
never want to eat again".Then the God lets out the guy the guy
who smokes weed all the time when he came out he was crying he
said "do you have a lighter".
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| Posted by MaZter0fNtrigue on 12-Aug-2005 | Turkythe dog crossed the road ha ha ha
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| Posted by Wes Bundy on 09-Aug-2005 | House PaintingOne day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.
When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynaecologist there. He reluctantly took him along to help.
A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynaecologist again.
The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynaecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?"
He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynaecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynaecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!!"
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| Posted by a man named rob on 09-Aug-2005 | Sweet TalkerOn a plane, a man and his wife are offered tea and both accept. The man tries to be sweet to his wife, saying ???Pass the sugar, sugar.... Pass the honey, honey.???
Then he says, ???Pass the tea, you old bag.???
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