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| Posted by april Rusch on 13-Aug-2005 | Bank RobbersThis is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2,1999: ''Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hund! reds of smaller safes scattered throughout
the bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, ''At least we'll have a bit to eat.''
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read:
"IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING "
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| Posted by lafonda on 13-Aug-2005 | Deer HuntersTwo goober hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something... but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two goobers decided to try it.
A little while later one said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah," the other added, "but we're getting farther away from the truck...."
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| Posted by jc spencer on 13-Aug-2005 | Smile!Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspecdor asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken.
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| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 13-Aug-2005 | Survey Says...These are actual answers given by contestants in the game show "Family Feud" - Name something a blind person might use - A sword
- Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
- Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
- Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
- Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
- Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
- Name something that floats in the bath - Water
- Name something you wear on the beach - A deck chair
- Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
- Something you put on walls - Roofs
- Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
- Something associated with the police - Pigs
- A sign of the zodiac - April
- Something slippery - A con man
- Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
- A food that can be brown or white - Potato
- Something with a hole in it - Window
- A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee
- Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate
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| Posted by christina share on 13-Aug-2005 | Actual Accident SummariesThe following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:
- Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
- I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
- I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.
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():nerd jokes (650): Wanted: The Pillsbury Doughman |
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| Posted by Jim Keller on 13-Aug-2005 | Wanted: The Pillsbury DoughmanKILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
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