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| Posted by PIMP on 14-Aug-2005 | Bar TenderA man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a pint of beer."
The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."
The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.
"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."
The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again. "What's going on here?" the man asks.
Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."
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| Posted by Chris J. Uptmor on 08-Aug-2005 | Are you my wife?A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
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| Posted by Cassie Friend on 08-Aug-2005 | 20 dollars20 dollars
Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.
He says "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me".
His friend says "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill".
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.
Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, my God you're disgusting" etc.
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."
She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars".
"Ah, yes." says the man. "He pee'd in my trousers too".
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| Posted by Mogs on 09-Aug-2005 | You're a wankerTwo builders are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.
The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Chris: 'I reckon he's an accountant. '
James: ???No way - he's a stockbroker. '
Chris: ???He's no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here. '
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet, he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Chris: ' 'Scuse me.. . no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living.'
Suit: ???No offence taken. I'm a logical scientist by profession. '
Chris: 'Yeah, so what's that then. '
Suit: 'I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home???™
Chris: 'Er. . . mmm. . . well yeah, I do as it happens. '
Suit: `Well, it's logical to assume that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?'
Chris: 'It's in a pond'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to suppose that you have a large garden then?'
Chris: 'As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?'
Chris: ???As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house. . . built it myself.'
Suit: 'well, given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you're probably married.'
Chris: 'Yes, I am married. I live with my wife and three children.'
Suit: 'Well then, it's logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis.'
Chris: 'Yep! Four nights a week. '
Suit: 'Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?'
Chris: ???Me? Never!'
Suit: 'Well, there you are, that's logical science at work.'
Chris: 'How's that then?'
Suit: 'From finding out that you had a goldfish. I've told you about the size of the garden you have, the size of house, your family and your sex life. '
Chris: 'I ,see. That's pretty impressive... thanks mate.'
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: 'I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?'
Chris: 'Yep! He's a logical scientist.'
James: 'What's that then?'
Chris: 'I'll try to explain. Do you have a goldfish?'
James: 'Hope. '
Chris: 'Well then, you're a wanker.'
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| Posted by Brendan Cross on 09-Aug-2005 | 6 Shots of WhiskeyA young man walks up and sits down at the bar.
'What can I get you?' the barman asks.
'I want six shots of whisky,' responds the young man.
'Six shots? Are you celebrating something?'
'Yeah, my first blowjob.'
'Well, in that case, let me give you a seventh on the house.'
The young man says, 'No offence sir, but if six shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'
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| Posted by Louis Turner on 09-Aug-2005 | Alligator in BarA guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar.
He turned to the astonished patrons and said, 'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I'll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.'
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.
'I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.'
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