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| Posted by Matt J. Kovich on 09-Aug-2005 | BarmenOur lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we will forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever.
Barmen.
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| Posted by Marc A. Brekke on 09-Aug-2005 | English drinkingA very British one:
0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.
3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.
4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.
5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over - except for the bloody French.
6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.
7. Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a pint.
8. Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.
9. Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say, 'That's much better.' Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for 10 minutes before seeing 'out of order' sign.
10. Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmen's wives, who you offer to give baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on comer of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.
11. Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.
12. Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Can't get key in door. Realize you've given address of the local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.
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| Posted by Samantha L. Jones on 09-Aug-2005 | 3 pints pleaseAn Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The barman asks him,
'You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'
The Irishman replies,
'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America and the other's in Australia and I'm here in Dublin.
When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together'
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way, ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day he comes in and orders only two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says,
'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.'
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
'Oh no,' he says. 'Everyone's fine. I've just given up drinking.'
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| Posted by Paul Lai on 09-Aug-2005 | Drink For The WomenOne day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.
She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.
At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.'
The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.
After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,
'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, 'Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.'
After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?'
To which, the drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.'
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| Posted by Lick on 09-Aug-2005 | Guiness and womenThis is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
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| Posted by alott fagina penthouse on 09-Aug-2005 | I've shagged yur MumThree guys were drinking in a pub when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar.
After a while he approaches the lads and, pointing at the one in the middle shouts,
'I've shagged your mother!'
The guys look bewildered as the man goes back to his place at the bar and resumes drinking.
Ten minutes later he comes back and points to the bloke in the middle of the trio and shouts,
'Did you hear me? I've shagged your mother'
Then he goes back to his drink.
A short time later the man comes up again, jabs his finger at the middle bloke and announces for the pub to hear,
'I've shagged your mother, and it was good.'
By now the trio have had enough and the one in the middle shouts,
'Dad, you're pissed. Bugger off home!'
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