|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Anthony Boose on 10-Aug-2005 | BaseballYour so stupid when your baseball coach said to go home you ran home crying.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Neo V. Michilini on 10-Aug-2005 | Watching The GameA guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets
there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and
flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque
appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he
might be able to watch the game. He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it
would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs
you, I will move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer,
hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit
next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will
find another place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to
vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and
pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is
completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit
next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will
find another place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to
vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at
the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, then what
is?"
"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Laxori Shiin on 10-Aug-2005 | Women's TeeAs Joe started to eye up his golfball, hoping that it would fly beyond all
previous hits, a voice came from behind him and said, "Hey buddy! Don't you know
your hitting from the womens tee"?
Joe smugly looked at the avid golf pro-lawyer and said, "Hey buddy don't you
know this is my second shot"?
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Gabi A. Mottola on 10-Aug-2005 | First Time Football GameTwo elderly sisters donated $5 to a charity and, to their surprise, won
tickets to a football game. Since they had never seen a live football game
before, Madge thought the free tickets would provide an excellent opportunity
for doing so.
"I think so, too," said Mabel. "Let's go!"
They soon found themselves high in a noisy stadium overlooking a large, grassy
expanse. They watched the kickoff and the seemingly endless back-and-forth
struggles that comprised the scoreless first half.
They enjoyed the band music and cheerleader performance that followed. Then
came the second half. When the teams lined up for the second-half kickoff, Madge
nudged her sister.
"I guess we can go home now, Mabel," she said. "This is where we came in."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Bec on 10-Aug-2005 | Birthday GiftFor my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at
the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the
varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and
try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is
a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed
very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started. They suggested I keep
an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.
Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I
arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a
goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines
and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little
alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that
outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class.
Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching
a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going
to be GREAT.
Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya
had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she
puts weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made it a full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles
ALL feel GREAT.
Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have
developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and
said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my
chest so I did the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate
an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me
regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.
Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I
can't help it if I was half an hour late. It took me that long just to tie my
shoes. She wanted me to life dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb"
must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars
looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.
Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human
being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in
extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to
work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya I don't have triceps. And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to
accept responsibility for the damage. YOU went to sadist school. YOU are to
blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like
crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher, or social
studies?
Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I
lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of
the weather channel.
Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my
wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a
root canal.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by andrew j. gregg on 10-Aug-2005 | The World SeriesThe scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown
a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of
agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.
Everyone over did it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and
turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her.
Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This
marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
