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| Posted by Ciara Blaze on 14-Aug-2005 | Bear HuntingBill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting
in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he
kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder,
and he turns around to see a big black bear.
The black bear says "You've got 2 choices. One, I maul you to
death or Two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear.
He's sore for 2 days, but he recovers and vows revenge. Bill
heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear
and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A
huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says,
"That was a big mistake. You've got 2 choices, Either I maul you
to death or we have sex." Bill bends over.
He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of
time to recover. He's outraged. Sure enough, he heads back to
Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank
range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an
enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really
come here for the hunting, do you?"
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| Posted by Jason J. Konstantino on 14-Aug-2005 | Poor RabbitYears ago while lying in my hammock and drinking JD from the bottle I
noticed my dog dragging something under the fence. Upon inspection, to my
dismay, I realized it was the next door neighbor's 10 year old daughter's
rabbit.
For years I had watched her come home from school and head straight out to
its cage, free it and play with it in the yard. I knew today would be no
different and fearing for our dog, I had to think fast.
The rabbit was quite dirty, as if it had put up quite a struggle, so I
washed it off with the hose, combed it with the Dog brush and blew it dry
with the leaf blower. Upon finishing it's grooming I jumped the fence and
replaced back in it's cage hoping it's death would be written off as
"natural causes".
Back to the hammock and JD. Within the hour the neighbors Volvo pulled in
as usual and out popped the little girl, and as usual she headed straight
for the cage. Only this time she stopped about six feet away and screamed:
"DDDDDAAAADDDDDDDYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Her father panic stricken stood looking at the cage. Being the good
neighbor that I am I rushed to fence and asked if there was anything I
could do.
Her father less than calmly blurted, "What kind of sick individual would
dig up a little girl's dead rabbit and put it back in it's cage??"
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| Posted by Mr. Crapspew on 14-Aug-2005 | Farmer JoeFarmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to
take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the
lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the
question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway
patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when
this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck
right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into
the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went
over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in
his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I
had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
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| Posted by C C on 14-Aug-2005 | Good ElephantA rich guy was looking for excitement so he decided to put an ad
in the newspaper. The ad said, "I will give $10,000 to any
person that can make my elephant jump."
So the next day, people came from all over the world to try to
get this elephant to jump. There were even hypnotists who tried,
but no one could get that elephant to jump.
Then a guy drives up in a blue Corvette and said, "Are you the
guy with the ad?" The rich guy replied yes. Then the guy asked,
"Is that your elephant?" "Yes." The rich man replies. Then the
guy went back to his car.
He returned with a 2 by 4. He walked behind the elephant and hit
the elephant right in his balls! That elephant jumped a good 8
feet in the air. The rich guy, amazed, handed him the $10,000.
The guy then got in his Corvett and drove off.
The next week the rich guy decides to put another ad in the
paper. The ad said, "I will give anyone $20,000 to make my
elephant turn his head from side to side." The man had seen his
elephant's head move up and down but never from side to side.
People come from all over the world to try to get this elephant
to make his head turn from side to side. No one could do it.
When everyone left, the same guy in the same Corvett drives up.
He walked up to the elephant and said, "Do you remember me?" The
elephant nodded his head up and down. Then the man asked, "Do
you want me to do it again?" The elephant then shook his head
from side to side frantically.
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| Posted by KaBoOm on 14-Aug-2005 | Good Dog!A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his
shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back
again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note
in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I
have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there
is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the
sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he
decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to
a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the
lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with
the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and
starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this
stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the
seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to
the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his
seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the
number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher,
by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels
thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,
moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs,
pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries
still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk
down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run,
and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the
path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter
of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against
it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits
at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door,
and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you
doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second
time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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| Posted by fishpie on 14-Aug-2005 | Mime's Job in the ZooOne day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.
The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"
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